Asking for help from an advisor is an uncomfortable task for many farm families. There is a huge issue around trust and performance. Can I trust the person to really know what they are talking about? Will they follow-through in a timely manner and really listen to what I want?

I’ve met a few farm folks this winter who are still looking for great advisors. Some have been burned in the past, so decide to stop looking.  Others have been literally “bullied” by aggressive sales tactics with their adult children being harassed at work, and so on.

The Canadian Association of Farm Advisors www.cafanet.com is a good place to start scouting for help. I am a member of this group and we tend to talk amongst ourselves as to who we feel does great work on behalf of farm clients. You might also want to quiz your neighbour and use some word of mouth referrals for expert advice.

I can’t believe the stubbornness of some people who refuse to go back to a doctor because 5 years ago the doctor didn’t really help them. If you don’t like the professional you are dealing with, keep seeking and searching until you find someone who fits the expectations you have and your needs.

I am finding a lot of farm folks don’t have a financial planner. I would like you to find a Certified Financial planner who can help you with your personal assets, your personal wealth bubble, insurance needs, and your lifestyle income needs for the 20 to 30 years that you will be in your role of “hired man, or helping mom” before you die in your late eighties. If you know what it costs you to live at the level that you prefer, and if you know you have farm income and non-farm income streams to sustain you, you truly will enjoy the peace and restful nights of financial freedom.

Sometimes we avoid facing what we know to be true. We are going to die, therefore we need to meet with a lawyer to update our wills, get enduring powers of attorney in place. We also need to meet with our doctor or health care home care workers to draw up a health care directive or living will.

In January when the calendar turned to 2012 it dawned on me that I will be 56 in the fall.  The average age of a widow in Canada is 56. Are you ready for widowhood?

Many of my coaching clients are dreaming about the “retirement goal of Freedom 55” which always makes me smile when it is written by a 30 year old. Most 62 year old dads are never going to retire from the farm. I hope they will gracefully “re-invent” themselves as the hired man and intentionally mentor the next manager and successor.

When the cold wind blows, and the snowbanks are growing outside your window, make the call to your advisors to update your wills, your lifestyle plans, your investments and your physical health. Then call your family over for a potluck, just to celebrate being together as a family and listen to the true needs of your family this winter.

-Family council to explore how the family operates

-Succession planning

-Estate planning: wills, inheritance, fairness issues, legacy plans

-Advisers and suppliers meetings

-Human resources, operations etc.

Think about whose mouth needs to be moving at each type of meeting. Daugther- in -laws are typically silent when they want to avoid conflict, and don’t feel their voice counts. Son -in -laws may be the joint successors, and they also see the meeting process differently because their “fresh eyes” come from a different family style of communication. The other mouths you may or may not want to have open are the common in law partners of your farming children. Canadian law treats them as if “they were married” if they have lived together long enough. I treat partners and the in-laws as key players in the communication dynamic, and welcome them to voice their opinions at the meeting…with civility.

Is the meeting to navigate a family council for how you celebrate as a family ?

This meeting includes all family members whether they farm with you or not.  I know a family that meets annually with the farming and non-farm children to talk about the family vision and how the farm is doing. The non-farm kids use this as a chance to encourage the parents to let go of control, and applaud the efforts of the farming siblings. Go to www.farmcentre.com to order a copy of “Managing the Multi-generational farm” which is a great tool for distinguishing between a family council and a farm business meeting. It also helps for developing your family code of conduct.

Is the meeting to plan for the transfer of the business to the successor? This is a succession meeting and key players are the founders, successors, and their spouses or partners. The non-farm  heirs don’t need to be part of the initial succession planning meetings, but it is a good idea to include them in the communication loop as agreements are being reached. There seems to be a strong sense of entitlement in the country by non-farm heirs who believe they have a right to quota, cows and land !  As a farm communication succession coach I typically have conversations with all the children and include them in the initial key family meeting, so that they have a clear understanding of their parent’s intentions. Many folks can live with tough decisions when they clearly understand the “why” behind the decision.

Succession planning is a long process. One dairy family has the succession meeting monthly, which is different than the monthly operational meeting. Agenda items are collected on a white board in the barn office, and the administration officer farm family member keeps track of hot issues to discuss. Minutes of the meetings are emailed to all participants.

All family members need to have a voice in the estate planning meeting, as this is where the issue of fairness and inheritance expectations can be voiced. Ultimately the founders decide what they want for their estate plan, yet they will have a keen sense of what their children are feeling if the meeting gives everyone a voice. As a coach, I receive the minutes of the meetings to track the progress of the decision making and keep all parties accountable to act.

Another important meeting for grooming your successors is to include them in the meetings with your ag. lenders, accountants, and lawyers. Suppliers also appreciate developing a relationship with the next generation. I typically don’t meet with the equipment dealers, but when we are spending 6 figures on new iron I appreciate an informal update and expense justification from my spouse. It is a sign of respect for my partnership in the marriage and the farm business. (Read more about the women’s need to know at my blog “I’d just like to know…at www.elainefroese.com)

When you are encouraging mouths to open at your farm business meetings, you need to set down guidelines for respectful communication. An agenda before the meetings helps everyone prepare their thoughts. A talking stick, like my Beanie Baby® OX helps the holder speak their mind without interruption. The Ox is passed to the person who requests it, and all others listen.

Dr. David Kohl of Virginia Tech had a grad student discover that in over 400 farms across 6 states, the farm families that had regular farm business meetings were 21% more profitable. Communication that resolves conflict, deals with the people issues and pays attention to the financials of your operation is a wonderful thing.

I challenge you to see where your resistance to opening your mouth is coming from.

Is it your head not understanding the legal jargon or tax implications? It is perfectly fine to admit that you don’t understand, or need another explanation that makes better sense to you.

Is it your heart making you feel sad about letting go of power and control? Or is  your heart aching to find out what your daughter in law really feels about the family, but you are not at the point of trust yet, where she is willing to open up to you?

Is it your gut, your intuition guiding you with the impression that you just have to face your fears and do the meetings anyway?

Farm families can’t always manage meetings well on their own. That’s why the Canadian Association of Farm Advisors directory exists to help you find a facilitator to guide your discussions (www.cafanet.com)  I attend meetings in  person, on the speaker phone, and sometimes on SKYPE.

My bias is to include all the family as much as possible. One family who tried to meet without the spouses ended up with a huge conflict, and a tape recorder at the table held by an angry successor who refused to talk if he could not “tape for his wife”.

Decide why you need to meet. Meet regularly with great openness and a spirit of curiosity to find out what the other person is thinking and feeling, without judgment. I tend to be more inclusive of all family members, because I strongly feel that we all have communication filters, and it is easier for everyone to hear the message firsthand, than have it translated later by a  biased farming spouse.

The best feeling in the world is to have your intentions clearly understood with the love and respect of  the  entire family wanting to make changes for the betterment of all parties. Open mouths that resolve conflict respectfully are very freeing tools that you need to add to your business toolbox.

Have a great meeting.

US farm journalist John Phipps  said his business generated more income  when he used the tool.  The top-shelf farmers in over 6 states who were studied by Virginia Tech Grad students became 21% more profitable with regular farm business meetings.

What is it?

It’s listening. When I first heard Phipps confess that even as a gifted TV host and broadcaster he had signed himself up for a better listening course, I was all  ears. Eighty percent of effective communication is good listening, yet many farmers don’t hear well, they are hearing impaired and too stubborn to get hearing aids . Some folks just choose to block out the insights or opinions of other farm team members.

The farm families who meet regularly to communicate their vision, goals and business strategies are the ones who are 21% more profitable.

I spoke with a frustrated young farm woman recently, while her children were yelling for attention in the background. She focused her “mommy ears” on our conversation since her farm team is not talking, and won’t listen to outside resourceful advisors.

When families refuse to talk or listen to the hopes dreams and aspirations of the succeeding generation it causes hurt , fear and deep frustration.

Why should you be a better listener?

You owe it to your family and your family to be the best you can be. Listening is a skill that can be developed and improved. If we are well-listened to we feel respected, and have a positive emotional bank account that will help us be more resilient on the plugged combine days or through poor price cycles. When we feel heard we can become better spouses, happier parents and healthier friends.

I have attended a listening workshop taught by an English fellow, Tom Brown. I  am often approached by desperate farmers at conferences who are looking for the magic formula to unlock the key to their wife’s hearts…and I suggest they really listen to her side of the marriage story.

Spending time with the electronics off, and your ears on, tuned in to the needs of your spouse is likely the best gift you can give especially during busy stressful harvest seasons. Marriage time requires focused attention, listening to each other, for at least one hour a week.

Start by asking , “What’s the most important thing for us to talk about ?” Then zip your lip and wait for the outpouring of words that hold dreams, desires, and pent-up feelings.

Open ended questions that don’t require a simple yes or no answer will start the tsunami of ideas flowing your way. If your son is an “idea” style communicator, he needs lots of uninterrupted time to explain his great production idea to you, and talk about the potential to diversify your farm operation. Don’t interrupt. Let him go on all the tangents he needs to and look him in the eye. Nod in affirmation that you are truly listening, and try not to cross your arms in disgust or with impatience. Do you actually remember what it felt like to have dreams, be invincible, and feel like nothing could stop you ?

Listen to your inner thoughts. Some folks have not showed up to listen to themselves for a very long time. I am always amazed at the number of phone calls I get during combining season, when butts are parked on the seats for 13 hour long harvest days, and there is lots of time to listen to self.

I am convinced that great listening in a farm team creates a haven to work in a healthy way, and reduces stress. When I happen to have a time of tears my hubby will ask “ Is this about me?” and he listens very carefully to my answer.

“No.” Then he lets me have a good cry, because he knows that crying for me is a good outlet for pent-up emotion, and tears can be healing. He asks directly, and then listens. I don’t cry often, but I appreciate that someone is listening to my feelings.

I also listen to the conversations my hubby has on the cell phone to see the tone of the day, and some of the stresses that he is dealing with. His chats with other farmers are very telling to me, and all I have to do is pay attention with my ears.

Reserve judgment.

I am not encouraging eavesdropping on private phone conversations, but I do think that being very intentional about the conversations you hear around you, and reserving judgment will help you resolve conflict in your family.

Listening to both sides of the story, coming with a sense of curiosity, and checking to make sure that you heard the message correctly are all great conflict resolution skills.

Gossip is not a great listening skill. It kills families when the gossip triangle is fed by many listeners only  happy  to sit and seethe with “new” information which colours their thinking of other farm team members. Cut the gossip . Go directly to the source , that is the person who has offended you, and deal directly with the issue at hand. “Be soft on the person and hard on the problem”. Treat their conversation with respect as you listen without interruption, and give them your ear and attention.

I truly hope that your will work hard to make your farm team more profitable by working on being a better listener.

We all goof up and make mistakes in communication, but hopefully we can laugh about it later, and not cringe at the thought of having to be together.

When  my husband Wes asked me to meet him at the barn , I quickly drove for 15 minutes to pick him up. The trouble was he was at the “old” barn, not the pig barn, and I “should have known” had I been listening earlier to the plan for the day to be at Henry’s field.

No worries. I just got there a few minutes later, but you can be sure I was better  at double-checking what message I had just heard.

Bless those women in your life who have “mommy ears” and can hear the amazing things their children are up to. Choose to honor your family members with your rapt attention as they share themselves verbally with you. Be patient with the silent ones who have not yet found enough trust to know that you are actually listening and validating their feelings.

Sign up for a listening workshop,  or search the internet on “how to be a better listener.” Then act !

That pretty much sums up the attitude of folks in the “Big Apple”.  In the past year I’ve met with some disappointed men and women who are committed to their marriages, but can’t think of ways to get their relationships humming along again.

Marriage stress that pervades farm stress is not fun.

Harvest stress is hopefully winding down on your farm as you approach the plans for family gatherings at Thanksgiving. I’m a big fan of celebrating Thanksgiving every day all year round, and don’t pile up a lot of expectation for gratefulness on the second Monday of October. I am thankful for many blessings every day.

While it is true that strong families celebrate, I’d like to say that strong marriage partners date. This may be a sore point in your couple care assessment, since it is something that I see as a trend with the families I am coaching. Many farm folks spend more time checking the crops or cattle than they spend checking the “state of their union.”

I query the founders about the amount of time that the younger generation spends on relationship building as a couple with marriage time or “date night” only to discover that it “hasn’t happened in years !”

Why not?

We pay attention to the things that demand our attention. I think some women have gone into “coast mode” or just decided to pour their energy into the busy lives of their children, to the neglect of their mate. Some guys may be spending more time with their cows than their kids. If you have lost the courage to ask your mate for what you need, and then wait for them to respond positively to your request, I encourage to keep asking for what you need.

We are different. I get energy from other people engaging in conversation with me, but my introverted spouse gets energy from being on his own to reflect and process what is happening in his life. Can you respect that not everyone in your family is like you? Can you accept that you may have to be patient until your mate is ready to talk things through?

We think we have lots of time to “get this marriage thing right.” When you said “I do” to sickness and health, whether rich or poor, you had no idea what an adventure life on the farm could be. Some of you did not marry a farmer, but are now facing the reality of farm life as a farm partner. Time goes by, and one morning you wake up wondering  “ Am I ever going to get to do what I really wanted to do ?” Some of you have woken up this year as young farm widows, wishing that things would  have been different while you still had time together.

Romance that stirred you into a commitment of marriage has died like the last campfire of summer. When you were dating, you both likely focused on pleasing the other person, and made things fun. Now that the routine and ruts of farm life are in your scope, you need to remember how to have fun together as a couple, and leave your parenting role at home for  awhile. The grandparents or close friends would gladly give you a “second honeymoon.”

I don’t know what your definition of a “date” is. Mine would be an activity that is mutually agreed upon for fun, and time to talk, and build up the cords that bind the relationship with love and respect. I would hope that both you and your spouse would take turns initiating the social calendar, and delight in coming up with ideas that are inexpensive and intentional. We’ve taken sailing lessons, gone skating, and explored back roads .

Dinner (actually supper) and a movie are old hat. But some women I have met would be thrilled to be asked out for a meal they don’t have to plan and cook. Dates for us have been hikes in the provincial park followed by a campfire and treats while watching sunsets over the lake. Bike rides to explore local towns, or moon-lit walks in the dead of winter have been fun, too. Camping for us is an extended “date” in the summer, which converts to  bed and breakfast time in the winter season. Even if you live “off the beaten path” in Saskatchewan you can find some fun places to stay.

I don’t know your definition of the “golden years”, but each year of richness in relationship is golden to me. Many farmers are proud to disclose their net worth to me as a farm coach, yet my evaluation of true wealth is the health of the marriage bond, and the relationships shared in the family unit. I have seen too many 60 and 70 year old women complain that they are not being heard, they are ready to focus more on the marriage, and their mates are still focused on the iron, farm iron and machinery .

When is it your wife’s turn to get what she wants ?

Well, that’s the question that gets me fired in the head of the farm man. Women love that question. But it could be reversed. There are women who focus on the children so much that their husbands feel like they never count, so they just keep working and ignoring what is really going on.

Don’t even think of not dating your mate. Regardless how long or short your marriage days have been, the time is now to appreciate one another and be grateful for the synergy and energy of your partnership. As I see my last  lone parent failing in health, and see peers coping with widowhood, I have a fresh appreciation for a loving attentive spouse.

It’s time for you to focus on your marriage. It’s more important that your net worth statement.

This Thanksgiving make a  caring list of 12 points. List 12 ways that you like to be cared for by your spouse, and then share the list on your date. Have fun !

“The proverbial carrot that Dad is holding out is really getting me down” says the young dairy farmer. “ He can’t see our 10 years here as commitment. We don’t have the pride of ownership so my spouse refuses to do any work on the house yard.”

Yes, farmers love carrots and they hate to think about letting go of their managerial roles, and ownership. They wear the badge of honour “ I am a farmer, I will never retire” with pride.

Just today in the Western Producer the photo caption reads

“Never too old to work” over the 80 year old sheep farmer . I am just curious if he has any successors who are frustrated by dad’s inability to transfer ownership.

My colleague Bob Tosh of MNP in Saskatoon is convinced that we advisors need to
“educate farmers on how to retire and let go of the farm .” Bob’s  insight was also echoed by Don McCannell, another CAFA colleague who says “Dad’s dream is not necessarily the same dream as the next generation.”

So you are stuck.

Pulling mucky carrots out of a water-logged garden is hard work. It works much better when conditions are drier.

What conditions will get rid of “someday the farm will be yours” kind of thinking?

1. Talk to yourself. Reflect about what a great day on the farm really looks like to you. Remember what you felt like when you were taking over from your parents. Did you forget what it felt like to have title to land, and be able to negotiate the finances? Are you having an identity crisis? You are a human being, not a human doing. What you do for a living does not define your character or who you are as a person. I suspect many farmers have a hard time letting go of their title of “boss” because they don’t know who they would be if they left the farm in the charge of the next generation.

2. Listen to your body’s aches and pains. You think you are contributing lots of labour, but the younger labour at your farm sees things differently. Your perception is not their reality. They need to have some equity to leverage their dreams into reality, but you are stubborn about letting go, and don’t want to change the farm business.  If you have no successor, then start looking for a joint venture partner.

Or take a sabbatical to “test out” a different lifestyle that is less taxing on your body.

Ralphy Waldo Emerson said “your health is your wealth.”

3.Decide how much longer you want to be happily married. Your spouse is waiting for some fun and adventure beyond the farm before you turn 80. She is tired of being “the pig in the middle” of handling the successor’s impatience and your pride of power and control. She also understands that you are a workaholic, and in a loving way she is trying to tell you what she needs for more family time and fun.

The next generation is also looking for family life, because they will not work in the same way.  They have new ideas on how to work smart, but your carrot dangling is becoming annoying, and they may soon just up and leave in frustration.

4. Different is just different, it is not necessarily wrong. Different dreams from the succeeding generation are being stifled by the carrot dangling in front of them . If they have invested 12 years of key energy and labour, and left awesome careers to come back to your business, they are more than ready to be given some shares or form of ownership. You don’t have to have this be all or nothing. It can be done or transitioned in stages, but get it done now!

5. “ Do it now !” is the success mantra of wealthy business minds. Call your team of advisors: the accountant, the lawyer, the financial planner, the agrologist and the communications coach to get the process moving with hard facts.  I was thrilled this summer when some farm folks updated their will that was 17 years old, bought plots, and planned their funeral. They just needed a gentle push to update their estate plans, and they are working with the Growing Forward program for consulting on their succession plan. Even the crop disaster won’t stop them from moving ahead.

6. Contact your local ag office to find out more about Growing Forward , Taking Stock or Agri-advisor funds for you to “get rid of your carrots.” These programs will help cover  some of the  cost of getting your plans talked out, and put on paper to execute. Younger farmers in some provinces also get a premium of help if they are under 40, so ASK !! I can email you the application forms for Saskatchewan and Manitoba . My email is elaine@elainefroese.com

7.Crunch your numbers. Many farm folks are scared that they can’t live well off the farm. They know there are farm perks financially, but they also have neglected to build up non-farm sources of income. They are counting on the farm to provide resources to live for the next 20 years. I can refer you to fee for service financial planners to help you understand your family living cost needs and income streams. You can also get a rough idea by looking at the last 12 months of bank/credit union statements. Fear of the future money issues is a key reason why folks don’t retire according to Andrew Allentuck, author of “When Can I Retire?”.

8. Stop treating all your kids the same way.  The eldest child has put in years of sweat equity to help you create, capture, and grow your wealth, yet they are supposed to wait indefinitely so that you can see what the other siblings sign up for.

Succession planning is a process, and has ongoing changes to be made based on needs, expectations, tax planning, and the willingness to test out new scenarios. Don’t hold the oldest successor hostage to his or her siblings. You have a business that needs to be viable, efficient and profitable. It also needs to respond to the passion and energy of those invested in it. Your successors have invested time and labour. Your farm is not a pie to be cut into 4 equal pieces for each child. Get over it !

Once you’ve looked at your own financial needs and emotional well being, then you can start the discussion around “ What does fairness look like to you ?”.
May every carrot you eat this fall remind you that there’s work to be done. Start talking and email me your new scenario you are building to get rid of the “proverbial carrots rotting on your farm.”

I have no idea what kind of summer you are having. It might be scorching hot and dry on your farm, or you might be having a forced sabbatical year like us. Very few acres to harvest, only 10% of our land got seeded.

Regardless of your external circumstances, as your coach via this column I have the Hudson Institute’s 11 tips for staying power: ways to be self-renewing:

1.Stay value driven.

Do the things that are important to you that align with your cherished beliefs. Filter out the information overload we all experience with the internet, cell phones, texts, twitter, Facebook, etc. and stay vitally engaged with your dreams and plans. For me this means showing up at my home office to meet writing deadlines, coach folks by phone, and arrange new seminar dates. On the farm front it means appreciating the warm sun on your back as you complete the next chore with an attitude of gratitude that you will manage your way out of the mess. You might want to write a “thank-you” note to the folks who helped you with flood control or renew some ties with old friends. As you de-clutter the stinky basement, you might find some household items to bless a needy family or your local thrift store. Less is more.

2. Connect to your community and the global agriculture tribe.

I love reading articles about successful young farmers and older entrepreneurs who are using creative business models. Our son brought home a bag of “Covered Bridge” chips, and then I read about the company in Country Guide. We have tools to “Google” information and make connections around the world. Install Skype on your computer if you have high speed, and start conversing with folks “down under”.

My New Zealand coaching friend connects with me on Skype and we encourage each other. The internet was also a useful diversion for my husband during the incessant rains during “normal” seeding time. We ended up with a piece of equipment to increase the fun factor of our camping adventures.

3. Spend time in your quiet chair.

I have a special comfy chair in the corner of my kitchen where I spend at least 20 minutes every morning to read, reflect, journal and pray. Finding time each day for solitude and quiet is a great practice to renew your body, mind and spirit. Some farm men go out with a cup of coffee on their decks to write out the action plan, or mind map their next project. This “using your noodle time” pays big dividends. When is the last time you just sat and pondered your life ?

4. Pace yourself.

“Pacing “ is my theme word for this year, and boy did I not see the “slow down to a screeching halt” coming in January. We had no idea that we would have to have a mindset shift to farm weeds instead of seeds this year. We are going to manage yard projects and the un-seeded fields, but we also plan to have fun camping, going to celebrations and finding a different pace this fall. Have tea or coffee with someone you respect for their sense and ability to control pacing and life balance. Put what you learn from them into practice. Go to www.patkatz.com to sign up for Pat Katz’s weekly encouragement to “pause.”

5.Get outdoors to let nature soothe you and have a picnic on the tailgate of your pickup. Nature for farmers is part of their daily routine. When the water roars or the frost boils swallow semis, it is not fun. When the sun is shining, and the birds are singing, and you actually notice the orioles on the yard, then nature is renewing. Don’t forget the parks and fun spaces in your backyard or municipality. When folks from Toronto walk down my lane they exclaim “the air here is exquisite !” Get some fresh air mixed with fun activities, or make play out of your haying work. The other day when I ground a smiley face into the gravel on my 2 mile walk , I looked up and actually saw a huge “smiley face” in the cirrus clouds. I took a photo with my IPod, and thanked God for the reminder of His care for me, even in the tough times.

6. Be creative and playful.  Give your inner child more freedom to be. This might be sports, volunteering at the fair, or dancing your heart out. Play with children and blow bubbles this summer at the beach.

7. Change is inevitable, growth is optional. We all need to adapt to change and be flexible. Many folks in Manitoba will be dealing with water issues all summer. We need to keep positive and help each other out. Farmers call other farmers for wisdom on how to manage the new scenario of no crop. Make the call. Don’t be afraid to ask for guidance and create new ways of managing.

8. What do we learn from the “down times” ?  I am learning to “lighten up” according to Peter Walsh’s book of the same title. He has a great “life tension audit” tool that I’ve adapted. Email me at elaine@elainfroese.com for a copy. Once we identify why we are in a funk and disappointed , we can learn from these experiences. Since I’ve been looking at my basement storage boxes on a daily basis since March, I don’t forget about them, and I plan to make several trips to the dump ! Never underestimate your power to resist change. Process your feelings and resistance, then act !

9. Be a life long learner, always be in training.

Self-renewing persons never stop learning. I read many books, and write notes while I read so that I can translate my learning for you as farm families. Last night I got caught up in the webinars that had languished in my inbox for too long. I write notes as I listen, or clean out my desk drawers. It’s best not to multi-task though, just focus on the insights of your readings and audio experiences. Start getting to know your local librarian, and use e-books and inter-library loan this summer. Your taxes have paid for this service, and learning new things might just be the jet fuel you need to get that next project launched. Money may be tight, but be creative to access learning sites and resources to inspire you. Trade books with your friends.

10. Lean into the future.  A woman who was a self-confessed “planner” decided to “drop the oars” and let life happen. You might try that approach, yet coaches will encourage you to rehearse new scenarios for how the future might be, and choose the one you believe in. Plan by taking the “next step.”  Beach time, and sitting under the shade of your favourite tree, might be the perfect spot to map out how you want to live your enthusiasm. If farming has got you down this summer, how are you planning to re-ignite your passion ?  For our family, having a young son, a potential successor to mentor, keeps us considering many of his creative ideas for the farm’s future.

11. Develop the leader within you. Be a leader of yourself first. Be clear about the internal factors that are helping or hindering your own personal growth. Lead your family. Lead your farm business. Connect with other leaders. Personal leadership is a natural outgrowth of folks who succeed at life.

The president of Keystone Ag Producers announced on radio this morning that the economic ripple will be felt in Manitoba. Mr. Chorney said that we’ll need 2 months of dry weather to dry things out, so that we can manage the fields for next year. This is a call for creativity and patience as witnessed by the new “dualies” on the back of our high clearance sprayer that hit the soggy fields yesterday.

Last evening in Strathclair, Parrish and Heinbecker honoured its loyal farm customers with an appreciation banquet for folks to visit, enjoy great “Old School Catering” food, and hear my encouragement about choosing to seek renewal from the inside.Many tired faces greeted the ideas to affirm and encourage the heart of the business, appreciating family. Mr. Bill Parrish Senior attended the event and wished everyone a good year while he reflected on the history of two families, the Parrishes and Heinbeckers getting along for over a 100 years. Here’s a company that goes through continual renewal as it grows across Canada.

Renewal is an inside job. We have lots of external factors affecting us as farmers this year, yet we get to choose our response. I am curious what renewal tips you are using to keep yourself and your family during this wet stretch. I am walking with my IPod and my rainsuit down the lane, and drawing smiley faces in the gravel at the one mile mark. I am making sure I have fresh flowers at my desk while I work, and I am spending time on the phone with friends.

Please share your renewal tips to help you cope with the joy of harvest being washed away.

Remember, it’s your farm, your family , your choice.   Choose well, every day.

Sometimes as a farm family coach I feel like a detective, patiently gathering clues via conversations from the fathers , mothers, sons and daughters who are struggling with their farm careers. Last month I found a treasured resource;  the book “The Father Factor” was recommended by a farm business advisor as the best book he has read, next to the Bible !

I’ve been writing about Father’s day in this paper for 16 years, and I think that I am most excited about finding this new tool for all farm families to access. If you want to glance through the first chapter go to http://mensightmagazine.com/Articles/Poulter,%20Steven/fatherfactor.htm

Poulter believes that we learn from our father’s rule book about work, relationships , ethics and money matters. I have learned to ask the founding parents lots of questions about how they got their farms, and what kind of relationships they have or had with their fathers. I am not a clinical psychologist like Poulter is, but I am looking for patterns and “internal rules or beliefs” that shape the current conversational conflicts I am coaching.

How attached are you to your dad?  Poulter describes  four emotional bonds as intermittent, avoidant, depressed and secure. I am still coming across men who refuse to seek out a doctor’s treatment for depression.  These bonds will give light to some of the workplace issues like self-doubt, lack of focus and motivation and fear of failure.  Some of my immigrant families who have grown up in a culture of “ work hard, don’t play “ have an extreme fear of failure that is driving them, and driving their kids away from the family farm.

Insights into your dad’s style of relating may also help you figure out how his behaviour is impacting your farm business decision making.

Is your dad what Poulter calls:

-a super achiever

-a time bomb

-passive or negligent

-absent

-a compassionate-mentor ?

How your father interacts with you is a critical piece of information that helps shape you ! I discovered this recently when I asked the founding father about his relationship to his dad. The father died when the founder was only a teenager. For many years this farmer has been very cautious, self-sufficient, and not wanting to disclose his true fears to his farm family . This does not surprise me, but it helps me understand why the successors are frustrated. They want action, and Dad wants caution. The farm mom confessed she should have called months ago !

Another example is the “time bomb” father whose adult business employee children noted that Dad’s emotional inconsistency is creating havoc in the workplace. Their farm business needs better conflict resolution and trust. These adult sons have become very good at reading people and their moods, because of their father’s “time bomb” style. Unfortunately, I see this style all too often with fathers who are not great at collaborative conflict resolution.

The father’s “rule book” can be internalized by sons and  daughters. This past year I have had more examples of daughters being the successors to the farm. They are exhibiting the values of hard work, ambition and achievement , just like their fathers, BUT, they are also crying out for work/life balance.  Poulter says: “do you need to update your ways of relating that are based on your internal rule book? There are unspoken rules that guide behaviour, thoughts and beliefs.”

Values concerning work on the farm are shaped by the role your father has played in your life.

Could you take just a few moments now to reflect on how your father has influenced your beliefs and attitudes about your farm career?

Do you respect your father’s opinions?

Can you book out some quiet time to have a courageous conversation with your dad about his “time bomb” style and how that affects you ? Can you choose to respond to him in a much healthier way?

Do you realize how much your father is impacted by your grandfather?

What insights about your dad’s legacy can you learn from your mom’s impressions?

Do you realize that you can work out new beliefs and ways of relating to your dad?

How would you like to thank your dad for his mentoring and compassion?

Stephan Poulter comments:

“Even after your father dies, he will still affect your professional relationships and career development. No matter what boys or girls say to their fathers in a fit of anger — for example, “I’ll never be like you” — or how much they try to distance themselves as adults, their dads still cast a long shadow. Typically, people undervalue their fathers’ impact on their lives until their parents’ death. Even then, many men and women don’t see how a father’s influence extends past personal traits into the professional world. The values you carry concerning work were formed many years ago in the context and backdrop of your father-daughter or father-son relationship.”

I challenge you to honour your Dad and respect him. Fathers in my coaching sessions sometimes go away feeling a little beat up, because the focus of the issues has many connections back to their choices.  I encourage families to recognize what is really important to them and seek to understand the other person’s perspectives.

As a young farm girl I was taught to be fearless around large steers, drive a combine, and drive in the big city in all kinds of conditions. My dad saw me as a leader, and encouraged me to explore the world. At my wedding he announced that he was pleased I had chosen to marry a farmer. There’s no doubt that my work ethic and ambition has been shaped by my dad’s influence. Yet, there are pieces of woundedness that I can also address. No one is perfect, and we can seek healing in understanding our relationships with our parents.

You might also like to read “Healing for the Father Wound” by Dr. H. Norman Wright.

Cherish your family.

Here’s what I have observed:

People are overwhelmed by the complexity of succession planning and they don’t know where to start.

Finances are a major barrier, especially  people’s fear of the income stream after farm transitions, not being enough to meet the lifestyle plan for the next 2 decades.

Farm folks who have ploughed all of their financial resources back into the farm asset bubble may not have put any funds into what Alberta’s Merle Good calls the “personal wealth bubble.” Folks with a personal wealth bubble have more flexibility in planning for the successor’s needs since they don’t need all their lifestyle income from the farm cash flow.

Women are likely to be widows , the average age of a widow in Canada is 56, and many women don’t have the money savvy they need to live the life they desire.

It’s time for your mom, wife, spouse,  and  friends to get smart about their personal finances. It’s time to address your hurdles and excuses for not getting a handle on your personal wealth and debt.

I also see folks in farm debt mediation who have  tried to save the family farm with personal credit cards, and that too is a recipe for disaster.

So now that you are totally depressed reading this, what next?

Buy this book: “Moolala…why smart people do dumb things with their money (and what you can do about it.)” by Bruce Sellery. You can go to www.moolala.ca and check out the contents of the book. I met Bruce at a speaker conference and we’ve become good friends because his approach is fun, his checklists are workable, and his mission is aligned with mine. We both want farm families to enjoy financial success and have the life they desire.

May on the prairies this year is going to be interesting. Some of you are reading this and would much rather be out in the fields seeding, but you are still waiting. Why not attack your financial goals, and get your money mess out of chaos?

Sellery has a simple 5 step approach:

1.Lay the foundation. Here you discover what money means to you, and your context for money. You’ll also have to get real about the consequences of not addressing your weaknesses. For instance, some farms are suffering from folks seeking “retail therapy” rather than resolving conflicts. They are feeding their souls with shopping rather than having crucial conversations. Some farm guys are trying to have “more than the neighbours” rather than work out a plan that suits their family’s needs, and be careful about the “wants.”

2. Determine what you want. Most farm folks I coach want a happy family and a secure life after they transition the farm. Most farmers are NOT going to retire, so I call that plan a “lifestyle plan” where they learn how their roles are going to change to “be the hired man again” and the spouse will have a new place to live. I did not say a “new monster dream home”, although that may be the desire. When the numbers get crunched, the reality of the dreams and goals get into closer alignment.

3. Develop the plan. Knowing what you want drives a plan to get you there. In 2010 I did a  clothing “fast” to see how I could allocate funds to charity instead. You might be willing to put up with aging cracked kitchen countertops and forego the granite make-over when you realize that you haven’t contributed $10,000 as a couple to your Tax Free Savings Account. I am still meeting folks on the farm who haven’t heard of this saving tool, and your accountant should have told you about it when you did your income tax last week !

What is your net worth today?  Sellery’s book comes with links to his website for many worksheets that will help you get this organized. I am sure your credit union or bank would help you out here also. Pay attention to your liabilities, and equity. Are you going in a positive or negative direction? You also need to address your weaknesses. Many farmers are in denial and won’t look at the numbers, hoping that their financial stress will just go away, along with the high water levels. We all need to face reality and determine where we are  at. Once you know your money issues, then you can prioritize your money goals. Servicing and decreasing debt is likely a high priority. Don’t forget to allocate some resources for fun and family well-being along the way.  Have an agronomist or farm management specialist help you assess your cash flow.

Are you earning more than you are spending? Keep track of family living income/expenses.

Have you eliminated credit card debt ?

Are you adding to your personal wealth bubble for your lifestyle plan when your successor is the main manager of the farm ?

Are you saving for your personal goals?

Are you taking advantage of RRSP, RESP, TFSA ?

Could you commit to 2 or 3 changes you will make to the way you spend ?

Do you have a financial advisor ?  Sellery’s book has some great tips about selecting an advisor to develop a trust relationship and monitor performance. Many folks I’ve met don’t have a financial planner. Your lending institution has one, or you can go to www.cafanet.com to find planners that care about agriculture, The Canadian Association of Farm Advisors. I belong to this group ,  and I like to have referrals that I can trust, based on the work and knowledge I’ve witnessed.

Some farm  women are taking training to invest, and some folks prefer to develop an investment plan with a broker. You want to learn to make money work for you !

4. TAKE ACTION. This is in big bold print, because “talk does not cook rice !” You can talk till the cows come home, but you need to put your financial plan into action, and  get a handle on your money.

5. Stay engaged. The process is never done. You can use annual reviews, the shake-up conversation you get in April with your accountant, and the conversations that keep coming back about money. Being smart with your money is an ongoing process, somewhat like succession planning.

Moolala  is a very funny effective book. I’ve bought a case to give to family , friends , and clients. Your book club or money group would find Moolala an excellent resource.

As a professional home economist I believe that families who have great money skills are happier families who enjoy an amazing quality of life. I want that for my family, and for yours.

Moms like flowers and chocolates, but this book is what your mother really needs this year.

Jolene Brown and I are friends and colleagues.  We both have strong messages for encouraging farm families to address the tough issues, treat others well, and grow great businesses. I would encourage you to consider her new book as a gift to the new brides in your neighbourhood. (www.jolenebrown.com ) I am asking the young farm women I meet to give me their insights as the “daughter –in-law” for my next book on “daughter-in-law dynamics.”

This week I had the awesome privilege of working with a well-adjusted farm family who sought my facilitation skills as an outsider to help them get more clarity about the farm’s successor, and everyone’s expectations for the future vision of the farm. The mother tearfully asked me to read a special letter to open up the family meeting.

The hand written three page note was dated by a young couple ( now parents ) almost three decades ago, and had been hidden from the adult children, until now. The intent of the letter was to be a guide to the parents to treat their family in a much healthier fashion than what they had experienced as a new couple on the home yard, too close to the founding parents.

I have their permission to share it with you here, anonymously, since they really don’t want the neighbours to figure out who they are !

Use their words of wisdom to craft your own note of encouragement to the next generation, and set healthy boundaries for dealing with family conflict on the farm.

“As parents we will strive to follow these guidelines and if we have trouble doing so we’ll have to think back to the first few years of our marriage and the trouble we saw.

1. Communication: If they are 5 or 20 years old we must treat our kids as friends and always listen to them and encourage them to talk to us. Ask them  “What they think”,
“What happened?”, or “What should you do?”

2.Respect each other and respect each other’s privacy. When they are young, knock before entering their bedroom, for instance. Respect the kid’s opinions—even if they disagree. Don’t pry or snoop.

When the family is out of school and possibly married we must:

-give advice  only when it is requested

-remember that our way of doing things is not necessarily the only way

-accept their right to do things their own way…they are still learning.

-share our experience as information, not as direction

-treat our children’s spouses as our children

If someone in the family wants to farm:

-encourage them to further their education first or try working at some other occupations for awhile to compare and become more aware of life’s choices.

-respect and support their decision and remember—advice only when asked for

-if they still wish to farm and there is enough farm  for two families and you’ll be able to work together then, an operating agreement which recognizes individual contributions to the business must be drawn up with all involved parties not having any uncertainties.

-if it is a married child ( or soon to be ) it will be their decision only whether to share the yard site, but tell them because of experience you would encourage them to have a yard of their own. The new couple having their own yard would lend itself to a quality relationship. We would give any assistance necessary to achieve this.

-management decisions must be shared from the beginning.

-when the children show they are sincere about  farming we shall provide documentation to ensure their eventual ownership of the farm.

-all points on the previous pages apply to this situation also.

Signed, Mom and Dad .

Jolene Brown says :” The business must decide, “What, if any, is the busess role of a spouse ?”  In-law family members must express their wishes, if any, for inclusion or involvement in the business. It’s best clarified before the ring is on the finger.”

So, what is your family’s code of conduct? What expectations do you have of the newlyweds  on your farm team ? How are you treating your successor’s partner…who lives with your adult child and is not married ?

Divorce is devastating to a farm business not to mention the farm family dynamics. Just ask the young farmer who I spoke with on the phone today. Many couples who struggle with in-law relationships early in the marriage don’t go for counseling to help them set healthy boundaries and clear expectations like you read in the letter above.

You might want to buy a copy of “The Language of Love and Respect” by Dr. Emmerson Eggerichs, to encourage couples of all ages to embrace their new family.

I give this book to farmers who are asking for help in building a stronger marriage foundation.

Its your farm, your family, your choice. Choose healthy behaviours and guidelines of respect. Tell your daughter-in-law that you are thrilled that she is part of the family, and show her love and acceptance in the way she likes to receive it.

If you are a daughter-in-law or son-in-law who would like to be part of my research team for my next book, please email your story to elaine@elainefroese.com. I’m looking for the good, bad and the ugly, so that we can all learn new tools to feel like we are really part of our new family… even 3 decades later.

Elaine Froese celebrates 30 years of marriage to Wes on July 4^th this year. Her new action guide “Do the Tough Things Right…how to prevent communication disasters in family business” is available at www.elainefroese.com/store. Call 1-866-848-8311 to book Elaine for your fall agricultural event. Send cards to Box 957, Boissevain, MB, R0K 0E0 and tell her how you’ve made plans for change ! Elaine is a certified coach and member of the Canadian Association of Farm Advisors.