Waking up to women on your farm team is a reminder not to overlook the female gender and the skill sets they bring to your operation. Our C.A, book-keeper , lawyer, and non-farm income stream provider are all women. My husband is obviously okay with that, as he seeks the expertise and skill sets he needs for management success, regardless of gender. There are lots of talented women in the seed trade business that we also are happy to deal with.

In my coaching practice I am seeing a strong trend of female successors who are anxious to get the shareholder agreements written, because they are the herd managers, and their partners and spouses are also playing a key labour role on the farm.  Founders are also keen to give their daughters operational duties while they are spending winters in the sunny south. Are you open to giving more authority and responsibility to the women on your farm?

The issues?

Respect. “Elaine , dad treats me like his little girl, not his future business partner.”  We all have to be intentional in our family businesses to communicate expectations clearly, show respect and appreciation for diverse opinions and ideas, and remember what role we are in.  Time has flown by , your daughter is smart, well-educated, and ready to roll with a new business plan. Why are you resistant?

Validate my ideas and needs. Each generation may have a different way to do things and different enterprises they want to grow. “Different is not wrong, it is just different.” Sometimes the young female farmers need to ask clearly and directly for what they want and  need . I recall a family meeting where the issue of naming the breeding stock brought tears. Deep love for the livestock, coupled with a need to be affirmed by “Dad”, was a telling story of the quest for validation.

Different family needs and values. “Just wish you would understand that when we have our children, we will have a different work style on this farm. We will take more time off for child care needs and go to activities. Please don’t think I am just here for the “free babysitting by grandma”, we want to make this business different to meet our family’s needs.” The next generation will not regret that they  did not make time to play, they are already making this choice to balance out farm work demands.

Risk tolerance and debt capacity. “Elaine, can I take you home with me,?” says the young farmer whose girlfriend is from a pay cheque family.” He is listening to thoughts about understanding farm cash flow and debt servicing capacity. He knows how much debt he can sleep with, but is not sure how to get  understanding from his female friend who may soon be his life partner. Women, like men, have different sets of financial smarts, so is your financial illiteracy holding your farm team back? Are you intimated by the financial strengths your female partners hold ? Who is doing the books? Who really knows the gaps in cash flow and credit? We are all life long learners, and it is okay to ask questions without “appearing stupid”. The only stupid questions are the ones that never get asked. Be curious. Find out what you don’t know, and learn from your team and your advisors. Encourage financial debate, with the facts on the table. Attack the issues, not the person.

Boundaries. The next generation is very clear about what is acceptable behaviour and what they will not tolerate. This sometime makes the daughter-in-law, the “bad guy” when she refuses to get entangled in family gossip triangles, and wants to have the conflicts addressed at the board room level, not the barn or shop banter. Women tend to be the family mediators, and some are tired of carrying the emotional weight of the farm business conflict. Educated and confident women see conflict resolution as a business risk management strategy, so they are the first to sign the family up for conflict resolution coaching and courses (www.resolutionskills.ca ).

Everyone has a heart.  Tears make many nervous. Tears are good because they reveal you have a heart and are emotionally connected to your family and business. The degree of emotional intelligence on your farm team may vary, but everyone typically has a passion for the business to succeed, and may express that in different ways. Are you okay with showing emotion? Do you avoid females who may be more expressive than you are comfortable with? Are you stuffing the issues that need to be addressed because of your sensitivity and don’t want to cause offense  ? Encouraging the heart of your business involves being aware of your own emotional self-care and seeking to understand the other person’s perspective. Sometimes the matriarch or dominating female shareholder or owner may need to be informed that their tears are no longer acceptable as emotional blackmail or control. I have experienced folks who are avoiding the tough conversations because they don’t know how to sit in the space of tears and deep emotion when key decisions need to be made.

I consider myself a strong woman. I cry. I am okay with that. So is my husband who asks first “Is this about me?” If not, he carries on and lets me have a great therapeutic cry. I feel better, and he knows he is not causing me hurt. Sometimes I cry when I am deeply thankful, and the tears are gratitude.

Choose your attitude on how you wish to connect with women.  This is actually a smart approach for either gender. Each morning when you wake up you get to choose what kind of team player you are going to be on your farm that day. The founders who are habitually negative, blaming, and wallowing in self-pity, I have no time for. I send them to counselors. I challenge them to listen to their business heirs, and the key message that their adult children are trying to build a strong business team, not trying to push away the skills of the older generation.

I cringe when I am one of the few agriculturally  based women in a sea of men, and the podium language is disrespectful to my gender, has sexual connotations, and no relevance to the desired outcomes of the gathering. Be professional. Be respectful. Be willing to share content that matters, or be quiet !

This could turn into a book, so I will stop now. Let me know the success stories of how your are embracing both genders on your amazing ag. team.

Chicken farmers have used her system to generate more revenue and achieve their one-year wonder goals. SLAP™ helps folks break down their revenue streams on a unit cost basis and honours the quarterly goals that need to be executed in order to grow revenue. Carissa believes that the whole point of being in business is to be doing what you love, profitably !

The challenge I see with young farmers is that they want to treat their farms and other enterprises like a business, but may need to focus more on working on the business revenue, expenses, action items, not just showing up for the routine daily chores or going where the next crisis is calling them.

Here’s some questions that the SLAP system asks:

Is there consistency in your revenue streams?

What is the largest driving source of revenue for you ?

How much/little time are you spending on each revenue stream?

What is aggressive, reasonable and measurable for you to earn in 2011?

Farmers work hard, but they also need to work smart…on the things and systems that will generate revenue, and keep an eye on the “cash burn” of expenses.

The SLAP™ website at www.silverlininglimited.com is a great place to check out what the SLAP™ system has to offer, but be advised that you need to be generating at least $100K of revenue annually to engage.

What hit me about Carissa’s message is that small actions that are executed on a daily basis to hit quarterly targets can make a big difference. She vents and rants on paper the multitude of action items needed, and then slots 20 actionable items per month, 60 per quarter that will move her ahead to the quarterly targets, and ultimately the year’s wonder goal. I took this to heart and mapped out the quarters on a large post-it® flipchart paper on my office door. What would it look like to your business if you had action items written down, instead of mulling in your brain ?

Carissa’s grandparents were farmers in Alberta and Saskatchewan, her farm memories  ground her. She has trained large ag. corporations with her SLAP™ approach. She thinks farmers can be more profitable, and that the agricultural sector can grow when people take the time to put systems into place. Her software and franchise operation in Swift Current is testimony that rural areas can embrace business growth to help business owners generate more revenue and enjoy the lifestyle they chose, while doing what they love.

Here’s  Carissa’s 5 tips for young farmers :

1. Don’t let age stop you, use your passion and “gung-ho” attitude to go for it. Carissa is 28, has high net worth, and yet has a passion to raise 52 Ugandan children to adulthood. Money to her is not the main thing, but using it for good drives her passion of helping small businesses grow.

2.Get really clear about the relationships of the family business and put things in proper roles. Talk about equity, vision, and have written agreements in place.

3.Be clear about what YOU really want, not what you “should” be doing so that you like your life and you are clear about what your role in the business is to be.

4. Figure out what you are good at and then build a team around you to fill in the gaps.

5. Innovate in agriculture and your business, be willing to “change farming up” says Carissa. She sees huge potential for growth with the use of technology and the resource sector.

For those young farmers and entrepreneurs who want a boost of inspiration and the foundation of the SLAP process go to www.silverlininglimited.com and check out Carissa’s book  “Inspiring Entrepreneurs…how to build your business to its first million”.

I know many of you reading this are thinking, I can’t do this, and some are thinking, I have a million in assets, I am just cash poor. Whatever your scenario, how about taking that faithful pen and paper and putting it to work ? Think about what you are passionate about. Are you living the lifestyle that fulfills you ? Are you working on your business to generate revenues and profits, not just showing up for work?

What difference would it make if you shut off TSN or HGTV and spent 3 hours every night reading, planning, and visioning how you want to grow your business?

Entrepreneurial young farmers are typically honoured in the Outstanding Young Farmers Awards . Perhaps you should take them out for a “virtual lunch” or phone them for inspiration, or read their stories. Young farmers who are frustrated waiting for parents to share ownership of the farm equity might just want to prove themselves by building their own enterprises that fit the landscape of the home farm operation. The internet offers huge potential for viral marketing, global learning, and finding out trends and needs.

Carissa cautions that the lack of capacity is a huge barrier to business growth. We need to focus and execute our plans to generate revenue. What is the next step for you to find the silver lining in the cloud of agriculture that is floating in your head?

Tell me your good news story, and let’s inspire each other to grow profitably.

“Entrepreneurs need to remember that they can create things to do what they love.” Carissa Reiniger.

As you know, I love books, and my current recommendation is John Gottman’s book “The 7 principles for making marriage work”.  Gottman talks about developing friendship in your marriage and learning to make repair. Buy a copy for wedding gifts, and anniversaries, and one for yourself.

Here’s some of my top of head tips on how to love a farmer:

1. Respect him. Author Emmerson Eggerichs, in “Love and Respect”, has suggested that men are looking for respect and women need love in relationship. I suspect that your man needs to hear words of affirmation from you that you are “proud of him and appreciate his character and decision making ability.” Filling up the emotional bank account for each person in your family just takes courage to speak truth and love into the other person’s life. Be intentional about doing it, not just on special occasions. Do you currently show respect to your farmer?

2. Cook. “Hot meals” is on the top of my farmer’s caring list. We took the time to explore the 12 ways we each like to be cared for, wrote it down, and laughed. Wes feels deeply loved when he walks into the house and can smell something good stewing. Only 21% of Canadians still cook from scratch, so affirm your cooking skills and show them off to your family.  When was the last time you cooked your hubby’s favourite supper? He cares. You can also love your farmer by cooking healthy foods and not stuffing him full of sugary sweets. Love your physical hearts with smart cooking.

3. Time. Smalley and Trent use the concept of “word pictures” to convey strong meaning in marriage. When Wes reports that he feels he is getting “leftovers” he is telling me I am spending more energy on my clients, readers, and audience than on him. I don’t like to hear about this kind of leftovers, so I need to check in and ask how he is doing regarding the time we are spending together enjoying each other and being connected. Quality time is one of the five love languages that Gary Chapman writes about. Are your spending more time with grandchildren and neglecting the time needs of your spouse? Could you block off at least one hour a week as “marriage time” to work on the state of your union. Walk. Date. Talk.

4. Service. Someone suggested that “clutter is energy constipation”. Our lives can be cluttered with busy activities and taking care of too much stuff. If you are ready to simplify things, how about attacking a project together as a couple. I know a wife who was thrilled to see the ugly old barn burn down (on purpose) as it was part of the view from her home she hated. When I mentioned that the patio furniture needed to be parked away for the winter, I felt deeply loved when that same day the guys hauled it away to the shed on the flatbed. Small acts of kindness really mean a lot to a weary heart. How tidy and clean is your home sanctuary? Clean up together.

5. Mending is also a sign of love. Patches anyone?

6. Candy under the pillow. Do you still know your farmer’s favourite treat? Is it licorice, almonds, or chocolate? Buy these next week when the Valentine fervor has passed, and keep some on hand to pop into the lunch kits to the field. A small treat communicates “I am thinking of you and I care about you.”(nuts don’t have sugar, just fat, oh well!)

7. Discuss debt together. Please talk about spending large sums of money and what impact that will have on the family. Women are tired with off farm jobs subsidizing the farm cash flow only to discover that their opinion was not brought to the loan negotiating table. Disaster looms when debt is hidden and not openly discussed to explain the “why we are doing this” factors. A young hurting farmer confides that he has been separated due to a large dairy debt that was not ratified by his wife.  She was deeply hurt that she was kept in the dark. Women, are you using too much “retail therapy” to compensate for marriage deficits?

8. Make repairs quickly. Nip conflicts in the bud, and don’t let stresses simmer. Have a 10’clock rule that you will commit to resolving conflicts before bedtime, so that you can enjoy intimacy and not let the sun set on your anger. Some days you may not be able to resolve things in a day, and may then work to agree to “park the issue” until the next business meeting or coffee time.

9. Redemptive separation. Addictions like alcohol may require time apart for therapy, and rehabilitation.  The intent of redemptive separation is to practice tough love to get the person you love to change behaviour, and come back to the marriage in a healthy way. If your marriage is carrying issues that need counseling therapy, a doctor’s diagnosis or spiritual care, get help now.  I love my farmer so much I check to see if he is keeping up with his medical care. When is the last time you saw your doctor? Do you even have a doctor? Drugs and alcohol are not good stress relievers, they cause more harm and hurt to farm families than many people know.

10. Kiss often. I don’t need to say more.

11. Have fun loving your farmer and put the “zest” back into your marriage this year. Resiliency for farming starts with a strong marriage foundation…and for those couples who are co-habitating. We all want to love and be loved.

Now that I belong to the “Freedom 55” Club, I am not retiring from my coaching practice or my supportive role to my farming husband. I do think about how I would manage 5000 acres and a seed business if Wes was to die soon.

How should I prepare to be a young widow? (55 is young, 86 is the new life expectancy for women in Canada). Do you have the courage to get ready to be a widow?

1. Talk about what you would do. Share “what if” scenarios with your spouse so that you have a clear indication of their intent and wishes for you to carry on. Consider who you would hire as part of your team of advisers. Find good recommendations via word of mouth referrals and the business directory of www.cafanet.com.

2. (Canadian Association of Farm Advisors). Use this year to plan a calendar of events of farm activities and deadlines that keep you up to date with farm management. Visit the accountant with your spouse for tax planning.

3. Develop a relationship with a financial planner whom you as a couple both trust and respect. This is looking at your lifestyle income needs, your personal investment risk tolerance, and your goals for insuring your debt, estate tax liabilities, and long term care or critical illness possibilities.  I don’t have critical illness insurance as the premiums for me were going to be high, so my plan is to sell land if I need the Mayo Clinic. I expect that you know how to write cheques, and balance the accounts. Unfortunately, I have met women my age who never touch the family’s finances! UGH!

4. Get a clear picture of what you actually spend on living, because as a widow you’ll be negotiating cash flow with your successors who have living needs also.

5. Update and review your insurance. I’m hearing stories about men who are outliving their insurance policies, and not renewing them due to high premiums. They don’t have the $600K cash from the proceeds they intended to share with non-business heirs. They don’t want the farm to pay the premiums. In another case, the dad cancelled the insurance, without letting the family know, and you can bet the grieving family was more than shocked when that uninsured fellow dropped dead due to a heart attack a few years later.

6. Ask your accountant all the dumb questions you need to. There are no dumb questions, just lots of assumptions that are waiting for clarification. My chartered accountant is concerned when she interviews farm widows who have never engaged even at a basic level of caring about the farm finances. It’s time to learn more about the balance sheets, debt service and asset values you are going to have to make decisions about! I am saddened to hear from wealthy widows who had no clue how rich they really were, and now are not able to embrace a financial strategy to enjoy their status as their health is failing.  Do you have a poverty mentality based on false assumptions about your net worth? Do you have titles with your name on them?

7. Check to see that you have an enduring power of attorney with an adult child you trust, and an alternate. If you are a widow and become incapacitated from making decisions, then who do you trust to take care of you? Do this before you are assessed with mental health issues and are still thinking clearly.

8. Make a life binder manual to have all your documents in order and the contact information for advisers, plumbers, electricians etc. You can download forms to fill in at www.rightrisk.org. I’ve written about this before, and my binder is started, but needs a blizzard day to get done.  As the executor of an estate, it helps to know where all the important papers are located. Don’t forget to locate and write down the current computer passwords.

9. Encourage your husband to write down all the things in his head that the farm needs to know for ongoing farm management. Men hate to do this. How can you make it easier? I have purchased Dick Wittman’s consulting binder which is full of templates and operating procedures. This might be a great task to tackle with your young successors, who would like to see things on paper while dad is still alive and well to put his wisdom into text.  The young widow that I mentioned has a lot of cows to feed, and the ration ratios died with the farmer. What information needs to be shared with your farm team to pass along the managerial tasks smoothly?

10. Book a spa day when you can celebrate getting all your affairs in order. Or buy your favourite book. Have something to look forward to, maybe a date with your hubby to tell him how thankful you are for his love and provision. Men (and women) have a tough go on farms, and carry a lot of stress around being successful providers. They need some appreciation now, not just at their eulogy.

11. Start planning your funeral, and ask the funeral director for a template of the invoice your family is going to receive. You’ll be shocked at all the “add-ons” of services, and possibly you would like to make some pre-arrangements so that your decisions are not made in the emotionally charged days of fresh grief. Ask your husband to tell stories about his prized possessions, and then list the names and articles that he wishes to gift. Better yet, give the gifts with a warm hand.

12. Ask the next generation to help you build a digital DVD collection of farm photos and family shots that diarize the legacy your farm family has enjoyed over the years. The story is not finished yet but start working on the chapters of your life story now.  When my dad died, I relied heavily on a creative memories photo album that I had created for his 75^th birthday. Get working on those photo archives and re-live the great memories of cherishing your family.

Does the son swear back at the father? Yes, it’s the pattern he’s learned well over years of turning wrenches and turning off his listening to the tirades. He is not so sure he wants to be part of the legacy, and he may soon leave, forever.

What I have just described is killing farm businesses and I don’t see a lot of press about it. Profane language which attacks the person without working at the problem is costing you money.

How?

1. Your approach is shutting down effective communication, and therefore you are wasting time dealing with anger instead of acting on the tasks at hand. You are suffering from the effects of distracted management energy, and that costs you in efficiency and wrecked equipment driven by angry employees.

2. Your wealth going forward depends on an income stream from a profitable farm pumping out a great cash flow and a lack of labour  shortage issues. Swearing drives people into despair and creates fuel for their exit from the business. “Why do I work with this guy? Life is too short to be in a miserable workplace ! “

3. A tour of Dawson Creek and other busy oil or gas work camps will show you that the next generation has other career options beside the family farm. If your adult children decide to come back to the farm, they understand different management styles from their former employers, and they expect respect.

4. Being a labour magnet is a sweet position to be in when folks actually knock at your door looking for work because of your healthy workplace reputation. On our farm swearing and streams of profanity is not acceptable. We’ve had employees actually mention that this was why they wanted to work with us.

5. As the mouth speaks, so is the heart.  I listen carefully to what words are really reflecting as to the emotional condition of the farm folks I coach. A father who is swearing in frustration over a different work ethic in the next generation needs to evaluate why he is so stressed out, and de-stress before addressing the conflict in a calm, respectful, adult manner.

What is the cost of losing a successor who has been berated with bad language for far too long? I don’t know if you can put a dollar figure on family break-up and loss of relationship and working partners. It is huge.

I am also concerned about the angst of farm women who are over 60. They no longer want to be the “pig in the middle” soothing the emotional wounds of their spouses in conflict with their children. The profanity directed towards them is unacceptable, and wears down their senses of self-worth. Some women I meet are telling me they are tired of being the family social worker, and ready to find a new life beyond the farm gate, whether or not their husband chooses to come with them.

So, what is your plan to clean up your language or “potty mouth” ?

Check what comes out of your mouth after you engage your brain.

There are long term consequences for treating people badly on your farm team.

You always get to choose your thoughts, beliefs, habits, and actions.

You are responsible for your behaviour and your responses to others.

In conflict resolution we encourage folks to be responsive, not reactive. This means asking questions like:

“What would you like me to do differently?”

“Are  you okay? Do you want to talk about it now or later?”

“Have I done something to offend you ? I did not intend to be late. Let me explain.”

“May I make a request?  Let’s get some coffee and food, and talk about this sitting  down.”

“ Are you sure those are the facts? I don’t want to gossip. If you have a problem with her, you need to talk to her directly. You can work it out.”

“Words aptly spoken are like apples of gold in settings of silver” according to Proverbs.

How about a fresh start in cleaning out your mouth this year, so that the words you speak actually direct, teach, and affirm those around you, rather that adding fuel to the conflict’s already hot fire ?

By the way, I had my first audience member swear at me  last fall in ranch country when I mentioned that “divorce on the farm does not have to happen” and he responded with “what @%@%@ planet are you from?”  I was surprised, and saddened when I saw the expression of his daughter in law who was sitting right next to the profane man.

I don’t like to be the recipient of foul language, and I suspect you don’t either.

Choose your words carefully and reap the benefits of sowing more respect on your farm this year.

 Asking for help from an advisor is an uncomfortable task for many farm families. There is a huge issue around trust and performance. Can I trust the person to really know what they are talking about? Will they follow-through in a timely manner and really listen to what I want?

I’ve met a few farm folks this winter who are still looking for great advisors. Some have been burned in the past, so decide to stop looking.  Others have been literally “bullied” by aggressive sales tactics with their adult children being harassed at work, and so on.

The Canadian Association of Farm Advisors www.cafanet.com is a good place to start scouting for help. I am a member of this group and we tend to talk amongst ourselves as to who we feel does great work on behalf of farm clients. You might also want to quiz your neighbour and use some word of mouth referrals for expert advice.

I can’t believe the stubbornness of some people who refuse to go back to a doctor because 5 years ago the doctor didn’t really help them. If you don’t like the professional you are dealing with, keep seeking and searching until you find someone who fits the expectations you have and your needs.

I am finding a lot of farm folks don’t have a financial planner. I would like you to find a Certified Financial planner who can help you with your personal assets, your personal wealth bubble, insurance needs, and your lifestyle income needs for the 20 to 30 years that you will be in your role of “hired man, or helping mom” before you die in your late eighties. If you know what it costs you to live at the level that you prefer, and if you know you have farm income and non-farm income streams to sustain you, you truly will enjoy the peace and restful nights of financial freedom.

Sometimes we avoid facing what we know to be true. We are going to die, therefore we need to meet with a lawyer to update our wills, get enduring powers of attorney in place. We also need to meet with our doctor or health care home care workers to draw up a health care directive or living will.

In January when the calendar turned to 2012 it dawned on me that I will be 56 in the fall.  The average age of a widow in Canada is 56. Are you ready for widowhood?

Many of my coaching clients are dreaming about the “retirement goal of Freedom 55” which always makes me smile when it is written by a 30 year old. Most 62 year old dads are never going to retire from the farm. I hope they will gracefully “re-invent” themselves as the hired man and intentionally mentor the next manager and successor.

When the cold wind blows, and the snowbanks are growing outside your window, make the call to your advisors to update your wills, your lifestyle plans, your investments and your physical health. Then call your family over for a potluck, just to celebrate being together as a family and listen to the true needs of your family this winter.

-Family council to explore how the family operates

-Succession planning

-Estate planning: wills, inheritance, fairness issues, legacy plans

-Advisers and suppliers meetings

-Human resources, operations etc.

Think about whose mouth needs to be moving at each type of meeting. Daugther- in -laws are typically silent when they want to avoid conflict, and don’t feel their voice counts. Son -in -laws may be the joint successors, and they also see the meeting process differently because their “fresh eyes” come from a different family style of communication. The other mouths you may or may not want to have open are the common in law partners of your farming children. Canadian law treats them as if “they were married” if they have lived together long enough. I treat partners and the in-laws as key players in the communication dynamic, and welcome them to voice their opinions at the meeting…with civility.

Is the meeting to navigate a family council for how you celebrate as a family ?

This meeting includes all family members whether they farm with you or not.  I know a family that meets annually with the farming and non-farm children to talk about the family vision and how the farm is doing. The non-farm kids use this as a chance to encourage the parents to let go of control, and applaud the efforts of the farming siblings. Go to www.farmcentre.com to order a copy of “Managing the Multi-generational farm” which is a great tool for distinguishing between a family council and a farm business meeting. It also helps for developing your family code of conduct.

Is the meeting to plan for the transfer of the business to the successor? This is a succession meeting and key players are the founders, successors, and their spouses or partners. The non-farm  heirs don’t need to be part of the initial succession planning meetings, but it is a good idea to include them in the communication loop as agreements are being reached. There seems to be a strong sense of entitlement in the country by non-farm heirs who believe they have a right to quota, cows and land !  As a farm communication succession coach I typically have conversations with all the children and include them in the initial key family meeting, so that they have a clear understanding of their parent’s intentions. Many folks can live with tough decisions when they clearly understand the “why” behind the decision.

Succession planning is a long process. One dairy family has the succession meeting monthly, which is different than the monthly operational meeting. Agenda items are collected on a white board in the barn office, and the administration officer farm family member keeps track of hot issues to discuss. Minutes of the meetings are emailed to all participants.

All family members need to have a voice in the estate planning meeting, as this is where the issue of fairness and inheritance expectations can be voiced. Ultimately the founders decide what they want for their estate plan, yet they will have a keen sense of what their children are feeling if the meeting gives everyone a voice. As a coach, I receive the minutes of the meetings to track the progress of the decision making and keep all parties accountable to act.

Another important meeting for grooming your successors is to include them in the meetings with your ag. lenders, accountants, and lawyers. Suppliers also appreciate developing a relationship with the next generation. I typically don’t meet with the equipment dealers, but when we are spending 6 figures on new iron I appreciate an informal update and expense justification from my spouse. It is a sign of respect for my partnership in the marriage and the farm business. (Read more about the women’s need to know at my blog “I’d just like to know…at www.elainefroese.com)

When you are encouraging mouths to open at your farm business meetings, you need to set down guidelines for respectful communication. An agenda before the meetings helps everyone prepare their thoughts. A talking stick, like my Beanie Baby® OX helps the holder speak their mind without interruption. The Ox is passed to the person who requests it, and all others listen.

Dr. David Kohl of Virginia Tech had a grad student discover that in over 400 farms across 6 states, the farm families that had regular farm business meetings were 21% more profitable. Communication that resolves conflict, deals with the people issues and pays attention to the financials of your operation is a wonderful thing.

I challenge you to see where your resistance to opening your mouth is coming from.

Is it your head not understanding the legal jargon or tax implications? It is perfectly fine to admit that you don’t understand, or need another explanation that makes better sense to you.

Is it your heart making you feel sad about letting go of power and control? Or is  your heart aching to find out what your daughter in law really feels about the family, but you are not at the point of trust yet, where she is willing to open up to you?

Is it your gut, your intuition guiding you with the impression that you just have to face your fears and do the meetings anyway?

Farm families can’t always manage meetings well on their own. That’s why the Canadian Association of Farm Advisors directory exists to help you find a facilitator to guide your discussions (www.cafanet.com)  I attend meetings in  person, on the speaker phone, and sometimes on SKYPE.

My bias is to include all the family as much as possible. One family who tried to meet without the spouses ended up with a huge conflict, and a tape recorder at the table held by an angry successor who refused to talk if he could not “tape for his wife”.

Decide why you need to meet. Meet regularly with great openness and a spirit of curiosity to find out what the other person is thinking and feeling, without judgment. I tend to be more inclusive of all family members, because I strongly feel that we all have communication filters, and it is easier for everyone to hear the message firsthand, than have it translated later by a  biased farming spouse.

The best feeling in the world is to have your intentions clearly understood with the love and respect of  the  entire family wanting to make changes for the betterment of all parties. Open mouths that resolve conflict respectfully are very freeing tools that you need to add to your business toolbox.

Have a great meeting.

US farm journalist John Phipps  said his business generated more income  when he used the tool.  The top-shelf farmers in over 6 states who were studied by Virginia Tech Grad students became 21% more profitable with regular farm business meetings.

What is it?

It’s listening. When I first heard Phipps confess that even as a gifted TV host and broadcaster he had signed himself up for a better listening course, I was all  ears. Eighty percent of effective communication is good listening, yet many farmers don’t hear well, they are hearing impaired and too stubborn to get hearing aids . Some folks just choose to block out the insights or opinions of other farm team members.

The farm families who meet regularly to communicate their vision, goals and business strategies are the ones who are 21% more profitable.

I spoke with a frustrated young farm woman recently, while her children were yelling for attention in the background. She focused her “mommy ears” on our conversation since her farm team is not talking, and won’t listen to outside resourceful advisors.

When families refuse to talk or listen to the hopes dreams and aspirations of the succeeding generation it causes hurt , fear and deep frustration.

Why should you be a better listener?

You owe it to your family and your family to be the best you can be. Listening is a skill that can be developed and improved. If we are well-listened to we feel respected, and have a positive emotional bank account that will help us be more resilient on the plugged combine days or through poor price cycles. When we feel heard we can become better spouses, happier parents and healthier friends.

I have attended a listening workshop taught by an English fellow, Tom Brown. I  am often approached by desperate farmers at conferences who are looking for the magic formula to unlock the key to their wife’s hearts…and I suggest they really listen to her side of the marriage story.

Spending time with the electronics off, and your ears on, tuned in to the needs of your spouse is likely the best gift you can give especially during busy stressful harvest seasons. Marriage time requires focused attention, listening to each other, for at least one hour a week.

Start by asking , “What’s the most important thing for us to talk about ?” Then zip your lip and wait for the outpouring of words that hold dreams, desires, and pent-up feelings.

Open ended questions that don’t require a simple yes or no answer will start the tsunami of ideas flowing your way. If your son is an “idea” style communicator, he needs lots of uninterrupted time to explain his great production idea to you, and talk about the potential to diversify your farm operation. Don’t interrupt. Let him go on all the tangents he needs to and look him in the eye. Nod in affirmation that you are truly listening, and try not to cross your arms in disgust or with impatience. Do you actually remember what it felt like to have dreams, be invincible, and feel like nothing could stop you ?

Listen to your inner thoughts. Some folks have not showed up to listen to themselves for a very long time. I am always amazed at the number of phone calls I get during combining season, when butts are parked on the seats for 13 hour long harvest days, and there is lots of time to listen to self.

I am convinced that great listening in a farm team creates a haven to work in a healthy way, and reduces stress. When I happen to have a time of tears my hubby will ask “ Is this about me?” and he listens very carefully to my answer.

“No.” Then he lets me have a good cry, because he knows that crying for me is a good outlet for pent-up emotion, and tears can be healing. He asks directly, and then listens. I don’t cry often, but I appreciate that someone is listening to my feelings.

I also listen to the conversations my hubby has on the cell phone to see the tone of the day, and some of the stresses that he is dealing with. His chats with other farmers are very telling to me, and all I have to do is pay attention with my ears.

Reserve judgment.

I am not encouraging eavesdropping on private phone conversations, but I do think that being very intentional about the conversations you hear around you, and reserving judgment will help you resolve conflict in your family.

Listening to both sides of the story, coming with a sense of curiosity, and checking to make sure that you heard the message correctly are all great conflict resolution skills.

Gossip is not a great listening skill. It kills families when the gossip triangle is fed by many listeners only  happy  to sit and seethe with “new” information which colours their thinking of other farm team members. Cut the gossip . Go directly to the source , that is the person who has offended you, and deal directly with the issue at hand. “Be soft on the person and hard on the problem”. Treat their conversation with respect as you listen without interruption, and give them your ear and attention.

I truly hope that your will work hard to make your farm team more profitable by working on being a better listener.

We all goof up and make mistakes in communication, but hopefully we can laugh about it later, and not cringe at the thought of having to be together.

When  my husband Wes asked me to meet him at the barn , I quickly drove for 15 minutes to pick him up. The trouble was he was at the “old” barn, not the pig barn, and I “should have known” had I been listening earlier to the plan for the day to be at Henry’s field.

No worries. I just got there a few minutes later, but you can be sure I was better  at double-checking what message I had just heard.

Bless those women in your life who have “mommy ears” and can hear the amazing things their children are up to. Choose to honor your family members with your rapt attention as they share themselves verbally with you. Be patient with the silent ones who have not yet found enough trust to know that you are actually listening and validating their feelings.

Sign up for a listening workshop,  or search the internet on “how to be a better listener.” Then act !

That pretty much sums up the attitude of folks in the “Big Apple”.  In the past year I’ve met with some disappointed men and women who are committed to their marriages, but can’t think of ways to get their relationships humming along again.

Marriage stress that pervades farm stress is not fun.

Harvest stress is hopefully winding down on your farm as you approach the plans for family gatherings at Thanksgiving. I’m a big fan of celebrating Thanksgiving every day all year round, and don’t pile up a lot of expectation for gratefulness on the second Monday of October. I am thankful for many blessings every day.

While it is true that strong families celebrate, I’d like to say that strong marriage partners date. This may be a sore point in your couple care assessment, since it is something that I see as a trend with the families I am coaching. Many farm folks spend more time checking the crops or cattle than they spend checking the “state of their union.”

I query the founders about the amount of time that the younger generation spends on relationship building as a couple with marriage time or “date night” only to discover that it “hasn’t happened in years !”

Why not?

We pay attention to the things that demand our attention. I think some women have gone into “coast mode” or just decided to pour their energy into the busy lives of their children, to the neglect of their mate. Some guys may be spending more time with their cows than their kids. If you have lost the courage to ask your mate for what you need, and then wait for them to respond positively to your request, I encourage to keep asking for what you need.

We are different. I get energy from other people engaging in conversation with me, but my introverted spouse gets energy from being on his own to reflect and process what is happening in his life. Can you respect that not everyone in your family is like you? Can you accept that you may have to be patient until your mate is ready to talk things through?

We think we have lots of time to “get this marriage thing right.” When you said “I do” to sickness and health, whether rich or poor, you had no idea what an adventure life on the farm could be. Some of you did not marry a farmer, but are now facing the reality of farm life as a farm partner. Time goes by, and one morning you wake up wondering  “ Am I ever going to get to do what I really wanted to do ?” Some of you have woken up this year as young farm widows, wishing that things would  have been different while you still had time together.

Romance that stirred you into a commitment of marriage has died like the last campfire of summer. When you were dating, you both likely focused on pleasing the other person, and made things fun. Now that the routine and ruts of farm life are in your scope, you need to remember how to have fun together as a couple, and leave your parenting role at home for  awhile. The grandparents or close friends would gladly give you a “second honeymoon.”

I don’t know what your definition of a “date” is. Mine would be an activity that is mutually agreed upon for fun, and time to talk, and build up the cords that bind the relationship with love and respect. I would hope that both you and your spouse would take turns initiating the social calendar, and delight in coming up with ideas that are inexpensive and intentional. We’ve taken sailing lessons, gone skating, and explored back roads .

Dinner (actually supper) and a movie are old hat. But some women I have met would be thrilled to be asked out for a meal they don’t have to plan and cook. Dates for us have been hikes in the provincial park followed by a campfire and treats while watching sunsets over the lake. Bike rides to explore local towns, or moon-lit walks in the dead of winter have been fun, too. Camping for us is an extended “date” in the summer, which converts to  bed and breakfast time in the winter season. Even if you live “off the beaten path” in Saskatchewan you can find some fun places to stay.

I don’t know your definition of the “golden years”, but each year of richness in relationship is golden to me. Many farmers are proud to disclose their net worth to me as a farm coach, yet my evaluation of true wealth is the health of the marriage bond, and the relationships shared in the family unit. I have seen too many 60 and 70 year old women complain that they are not being heard, they are ready to focus more on the marriage, and their mates are still focused on the iron, farm iron and machinery .

When is it your wife’s turn to get what she wants ?

Well, that’s the question that gets me fired in the head of the farm man. Women love that question. But it could be reversed. There are women who focus on the children so much that their husbands feel like they never count, so they just keep working and ignoring what is really going on.

Don’t even think of not dating your mate. Regardless how long or short your marriage days have been, the time is now to appreciate one another and be grateful for the synergy and energy of your partnership. As I see my last  lone parent failing in health, and see peers coping with widowhood, I have a fresh appreciation for a loving attentive spouse.

It’s time for you to focus on your marriage. It’s more important that your net worth statement.

This Thanksgiving make a  caring list of 12 points. List 12 ways that you like to be cared for by your spouse, and then share the list on your date. Have fun !

“The proverbial carrot that Dad is holding out is really getting me down” says the young dairy farmer. “ He can’t see our 10 years here as commitment. We don’t have the pride of ownership so my spouse refuses to do any work on the house yard.”

Yes, farmers love carrots and they hate to think about letting go of their managerial roles, and ownership. They wear the badge of honour “ I am a farmer, I will never retire” with pride.

Just today in the Western Producer the photo caption reads

“Never too old to work” over the 80 year old sheep farmer . I am just curious if he has any successors who are frustrated by dad’s inability to transfer ownership.

My colleague Bob Tosh of MNP in Saskatoon is convinced that we advisors need to
“educate farmers on how to retire and let go of the farm .” Bob’s  insight was also echoed by Don McCannell, another CAFA colleague who says “Dad’s dream is not necessarily the same dream as the next generation.”

So you are stuck.

Pulling mucky carrots out of a water-logged garden is hard work. It works much better when conditions are drier.

What conditions will get rid of “someday the farm will be yours” kind of thinking?

1. Talk to yourself. Reflect about what a great day on the farm really looks like to you. Remember what you felt like when you were taking over from your parents. Did you forget what it felt like to have title to land, and be able to negotiate the finances? Are you having an identity crisis? You are a human being, not a human doing. What you do for a living does not define your character or who you are as a person. I suspect many farmers have a hard time letting go of their title of “boss” because they don’t know who they would be if they left the farm in the charge of the next generation.

2. Listen to your body’s aches and pains. You think you are contributing lots of labour, but the younger labour at your farm sees things differently. Your perception is not their reality. They need to have some equity to leverage their dreams into reality, but you are stubborn about letting go, and don’t want to change the farm business.  If you have no successor, then start looking for a joint venture partner.

Or take a sabbatical to “test out” a different lifestyle that is less taxing on your body.

Ralphy Waldo Emerson said “your health is your wealth.”

3.Decide how much longer you want to be happily married. Your spouse is waiting for some fun and adventure beyond the farm before you turn 80. She is tired of being “the pig in the middle” of handling the successor’s impatience and your pride of power and control. She also understands that you are a workaholic, and in a loving way she is trying to tell you what she needs for more family time and fun.

The next generation is also looking for family life, because they will not work in the same way.  They have new ideas on how to work smart, but your carrot dangling is becoming annoying, and they may soon just up and leave in frustration.

4. Different is just different, it is not necessarily wrong. Different dreams from the succeeding generation are being stifled by the carrot dangling in front of them . If they have invested 12 years of key energy and labour, and left awesome careers to come back to your business, they are more than ready to be given some shares or form of ownership. You don’t have to have this be all or nothing. It can be done or transitioned in stages, but get it done now!

5. “ Do it now !” is the success mantra of wealthy business minds. Call your team of advisors: the accountant, the lawyer, the financial planner, the agrologist and the communications coach to get the process moving with hard facts.  I was thrilled this summer when some farm folks updated their will that was 17 years old, bought plots, and planned their funeral. They just needed a gentle push to update their estate plans, and they are working with the Growing Forward program for consulting on their succession plan. Even the crop disaster won’t stop them from moving ahead.

6. Contact your local ag office to find out more about Growing Forward , Taking Stock or Agri-advisor funds for you to “get rid of your carrots.” These programs will help cover  some of the  cost of getting your plans talked out, and put on paper to execute. Younger farmers in some provinces also get a premium of help if they are under 40, so ASK !! I can email you the application forms for Saskatchewan and Manitoba . My email is elaine@elainefroese.com

7.Crunch your numbers. Many farm folks are scared that they can’t live well off the farm. They know there are farm perks financially, but they also have neglected to build up non-farm sources of income. They are counting on the farm to provide resources to live for the next 20 years. I can refer you to fee for service financial planners to help you understand your family living cost needs and income streams. You can also get a rough idea by looking at the last 12 months of bank/credit union statements. Fear of the future money issues is a key reason why folks don’t retire according to Andrew Allentuck, author of “When Can I Retire?”.

8. Stop treating all your kids the same way.  The eldest child has put in years of sweat equity to help you create, capture, and grow your wealth, yet they are supposed to wait indefinitely so that you can see what the other siblings sign up for.

Succession planning is a process, and has ongoing changes to be made based on needs, expectations, tax planning, and the willingness to test out new scenarios. Don’t hold the oldest successor hostage to his or her siblings. You have a business that needs to be viable, efficient and profitable. It also needs to respond to the passion and energy of those invested in it. Your successors have invested time and labour. Your farm is not a pie to be cut into 4 equal pieces for each child. Get over it !

Once you’ve looked at your own financial needs and emotional well being, then you can start the discussion around “ What does fairness look like to you ?”.
May every carrot you eat this fall remind you that there’s work to be done. Start talking and email me your new scenario you are building to get rid of the “proverbial carrots rotting on your farm.”