Leave a how-to manual

March 23, 2009

You have lots of important business information stored in your head and in files all over the place. It would help to have this organized so when you die, your family knows what to do.

Before you read this column, grab a pen, paper, or your laptop. We have some serious work to do.

Many readers are aware that our family said farewell to Mom Froese in January 2009. It was a hope-filled journey for us to hear her blessing in the hospital while she could still talk. The family gathered all her important documents over the four months she was palliative. We had time to ask her questions, and fulfill her wishes.

My sister, age 23 and my mother, age 65, both died very suddenly without any time to say goodbye, or to double-check their wishes for their affairs and their funerals.

When you die, does your family know what to do?

My speaker friend Jolene Brown (at www.jolenebrown.com/whatwantag.com) has a very powerful article entitled “What do you want done with your body when you are dead?”  Grainews printed this article on page 50 of the October 20, 2008 issue, but you can print it off again from her website. (I have her permission to do this) It will help you get organized.

Jolene spent a 14-hour road trip with her hubby, listing all the important details that her family would need to know upon their deaths.

You don’t want to deal with this do you? Our children have asked us to get a binder in place for them, so that they know who to call, and what suppliers and advisors we use to run our life and our farm. This makes an excellent spring project while you are waiting for the snow to melt and can find the path to the burn barrel.

Funeral plans can be laid out. Call your local funeral director for planning tools. Wes’s mom belonged to a funeral cooperative, which worked really well for her.

Make copies of important documents, including driver licenses, SIN cards, birth certificates, etc. Throw away the irrelevant stuff, and feel lighter as you de-clutter.

Buy a labeler to make files and tabs you can read in large print. Beauty in organization creates energy, and you’re going to need energy!

Think of a great reward for yourself once you finish the project. For me, a massage sounds like a great treat for hard work bent over a messy filing cabinet.

Many of us in the sandwich generation have power of attorney for our parents, and/or siblings. I have a binder started for my dad, and I also have had a long chat with my single sister, whose estate I will be responsible to execute.

If you love to surf the Internet, I’m sure that there are executor checklists, and “Save our stuff” checklists that you can alter to fit your needs. The main thing is to act, and get the documents in order. The next thing is tell several family members and especially your executor where the important papers are. You might be smart to copy the binder, and give it to your executor. Financial planners and lawyers have checklist tools that you can seek out from your trusted advisors. The important thing is to collect the details or your life in a centralized location.

“Conversations are not a contract,” as Jolene Brown says. In the days I have spent in front of farm audiences, I continue to be amazed at the number of people who don’t have wills, or decent written operating agreements with their farm business partners. Your wishes for your funeral and burial need to be written down. Start a funeral plans file. Set a date to complete the binder of documents and details.

ACT NOW

When I die, I want my family to know what to do. I don’t want to have a phone call from readers telling me in a few months that this column was a really great idea, and then discover that nothing was done about it.

“Talk does not cook rice,” says a Chinese proverb. If 2009 is the year of the Ox, quit being a stubborn ox, keeping details of your life and death wishes secret. Grab the bull by the horns and get to work. The journey of thousand miles begins with one step…start the project!

Let me know when your binder is finished, and that you’ve had your family meeting.

Ask me if my binder is finished. I need accountability partners, too.

When you die, I hope you have time to say farewell to your family. As our son Ian has said, “It’s not goodbye, it’s see you later.”  I hope your family embraces the hope of heaven. I will be delighted to know you have given them the gift of clear direction, so that when you die, they know what to do.

Remember, it’s your farm, your family, your choice.
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Elaine Froese is a catalyst for farm families to make sound choices for new chapters in their lives. Her specialty is creating a safe space for families to talk about tough issues in farm succession. She farms near Boissevain, Manitoba with her husband Wes. Order her award winning book “Planting the Seed of Hope” and visit www.elainefroese.com.

No more stinking thinking

March 2, 2009

Do you have a negative opinion about someone in your farm family that nags in the pit of your stomach? Ask yourself how YOU can change your thinking.

I am writing this in a hotel room in Melfort, Sask, as I am on the road with the Farm Leadership Council
(www.wflc.ca) talking to farm folks and credit union staff about “Who wants the farm and when?”  One of my key stories is about the filter that the father has for his daughter-in-law, the way he thinks that everything she does or says is negative in his mind. (Stop for a second and spread your hand in front of your face, that is the filter you are using to judge others on your farm team. Is the filter positive or negative?)

Where did this stinking thinking come from?  Former Grainews columnist Della Radcliffe was the first person I remember who used the term ‘stinking thinking.’  These are thoughts that are not helpful to bettering your behaviour or your attitude toward another person on your farm team.

My speaker colleague, Randy Park, has an excellent tool on his website at www.thinkingforresults.com. The tool is called the “Think about it!” worksheet, and I think you should download it. He asks you to describe a situation, and ask, “What do I know for certain?”  Then answer these questions: What am I assuming? What am I ignoring? What I don’t know? What I have learned? Who needs to know this?

As a farming founder who is losing sleep at night worrying about your daughter- in-law, I challenge you to fill out Randy’s “Think About It!” worksheet. Randy taught me in December to consider the filters that we put on our thinking that cause us to jump to conclusions and make faulty decisions that lead to less than positive outcomes.

For instance, a farm couple is “helping” their son and his wife by coming by often to offer to do the yard work, run to town for special groceries, or drop in for lunch. The farm parents think they are being helpful, but the younger couple is seeing the parents’ over-involvement as interference. Both couples have negative filters of “stinking thinking” that causes them to be frustrated, rather than thankful for the offer of help. When these assumptions were exposed at a family business meeting, the tone of the relationships on the farm front became way more harmonious than it had been in months.

I have learned that it is helpful to check out one’s assumptions. I assume that families want to get along, but I also know that I cannot read minds. I want to know what your intent is for doing something, an action that has the effect of frustrating me. You only know about my frustration if I am willing to share my thoughts with you in a safe and respectful manner.
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“WHAT WOULD YOU LI8KE ME TO DO DIFFERENTLY?”

This is a good question to use in order to start cleaning your thinking filter. “I apologize for judging your actions, without checking what effect my actions were having on you.”  I have learned that it “takes courage to talk about our differences, and I don’t want to assume things about what you need to be happy on the farm team.”

What assumptions do you need to clean out of your brain? Go to www.thinkingforresults.com to use Randy Park’s worksheet.  The free tool will get you to work on clearing up thoughts that are not helpful to your farm’s success.

If you would like to join the family of the Canadian Association of Professional Speakers, send me an email or check out www.canadianspeakers.org.

There is a wealth of great tools for all of us to be better thinkers, and ultimately better communicators.

I hope that the only thing that stinks on your farm is the compost under the kitchen sink, waiting for willing hands to unload it in the appropriate place outside. Let’s stop dumping our assumptions on each other, and learn to pay attention to how our thoughts shape our behaviour toward the ones we choose to love — and farm with.

Remember, it’s your farm, your family, your choice.
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Elaine Froese is a certified farm family business coach who helps families talk about the tough issues of farm transfer and succession. Her work is recognized across Canada. She is thankful for farm parents and in-laws who modeled encouragement to her. This column is dedicated to the memory Margaret Froese , Elaine’s mother in law who passed away January 31, 2009. Margaret’s love for Elaine gives Elaine strength for her work with farm families.

Why Grandma is a Bully

February 23, 2009

Please don’t take offense at this headline, I have a lot of explaining to do. I came across the expression “why is grandma a bully?” from a very insightful ten year old farm kid. She had observed the pressures building in the farm home over the holidays, and made this astute, honest observation when the smoke from the conflict had cleared.

I hear from many farm families who are earnestly seeking a gentle and gracious way to transfer the ownership of the farm or ranch to the next generation. The labour is mostly done by the younger generation, with some help from the founding dad. Grandma is unclear about her role, as she is not needed like she used to be.  She is still trying to figure out the hurt of being left out of her parent’s estate and inheritance. She vows not to repeat the same mistakes with her beloved family, but it looks like the cycle of disappointment and pushing with shoving will be repeated.

If Grandma is in her 70’s, she was a little girl in the 1939 or l940’s. These were the war years, and tail end of the depression. Her family knew scarcity, and so did she.

Decades later she is still hurt by the notion that boys are more important than girls, especially if there is a farm transfer to take place.  Years go by, and she finds her place on her own farm, a full partner with a hard working husband, who honours her and treats her as an equal. Unfortunately, when her parents’ will is read, she is not included, or if she is, the amount that goes to her just doesn’t seem fair. She worked hard on the farm as a young girl before she married and moved away.

Grandma may be angry because she is hurt, and afraid that she may not have enough to live on until she is 90. People are living longer you know. She really could have used some cash for her post-farming days and decades. She operates from a sense of scarcity not sufficiency.  She doesn’t think she can safely talk to anyone about this because they might call her greedy. She knows at some level that the amount of money left to the children is not necessarily a true measure of the parent’s love for that child. Girls were expected to marry well and start their families independent of the farm. Boys who stayed on the farm were promised that “someday it would all be theirs” and they hoped that Dad and Mom would invoke that promise through the will and the estate plan.

My two aunts know this scenario. They were given an education. They trained as a nurse and a teacher and married. They were given some money, but not the opportunity to have land or farm assets that their brothers got. “That is just the way is was.” said my relative.

Bullies in the classroom have lots written about them these days. But where does a Grandma who is angry and acting like a bully go for help?

First, do some self-awareness work. Read books on anger and dealing with disappointment. Talk to a professional counselor or pastor who is trained to deal with loss. Engage a coach to facilitate a healthy, respectful family meeting where you can all talk about your expectations around the estate plan, succession plan, and lifestyle plan. Write lots of words on paper, vent, and burn them.  Journal your thoughts and reflect on what you are learning. Have tea with a woman you admire who has experienced similar disappointment, yet seems to have forgiven and moved on. Pray. God knows the hurt, and He offers you healing in your grief.

Get your financial affairs in order and have a reality check on what you really do need to have for an income stream to live well into your nineties. Take action. Engage a financial planner.

Ask forgiveness from your family who is just not sure why Grandma is so controlling, bossy, and mad. Go to the physician who specializes in wellness, and figure out if you have a medical reason for your nastiness, like a low grade depression.
 

These things are not easy to admit to or write about. Many people are pretending at the curling rink that all is right with the world when it really isn’t. You don’t want to see the legacy of hurt over estate decisions repeat themselves in the next generation, so you know you need to take the bull by the horns and act.
Both Saskatchewan Premier Brad Wall and US President Barack Obama have said that “Hope trumps fear.”

I sincerely desire that you will address Grandma with grace and curiosity, bathed in hope.  “Grandma, we’ve noticed that things have been hard for you lately, we’re curious if you would like to talk about it.”

Family farm history is a great teacher. If you know the stories of the past, they can help family and advisors set the context for some of the current behaviour or fears.  We can’t read minds, but we can offer a safe place to share anger, fear, hurt and frustration.  Come for tea Grandma. We need to talk. I’ll listen.
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Elaine Froese is a catalyst for courageous conversations, and certified coach and mediator. Her work with farm families is confidential. The stories she tells are woven from real-life scenarios and you may recognize yourself in them. Many do.

Letting Go of your farm house

February, 2009

One of the key issues of conflict in multi-generational farm families is the farm house, the Grand Central Station of many farm operations. I have seen many different scenarios around this issue and have some tips on getting ready to move.

Why is letting go so hard:
The reason that many 60 something folks can’t move from the farm home is because they haven’t moved in 40 years, and just don’t know where to start. I think the key of letting go of the farm home is creating something exciting to move toward: I also realize that some young couples choose not to live on the main yard to keep their farm life separate from their family life. One family I know lives at the lake year round, and the parents are happy to stay put on the home place.

Do a trial run of living somewhere else.   Test out living in a new location, rent a home in town to try it out, or vacation away for a few months to learn how little stuff you really need.

De-clutter this winter, it might take you two years to get ready to move!  Embrace your garbage bag. Get a marker, tape, and garbage bags so that you can start letting go of stuff. De-clutter.com and the flylady.net websites will get you started. My sister and I started clearing out my father’s attic last year. We made many trips to the burn barrel, and the dump. I had a load of things to give to others at the local thrift store.  He lives in a tidier space now, and might consider moving.

The purpose of getting rid of stuff is to help you feel lighter and ready to move towards the next residence. You also have time to process what is really important to you in your new roles as grandparents, the hired hand, or a semi-retired farm manager. Letting go of your farm home may take a few years, so get started soon!

Make the hard decision to let go, then just do it.
It is a conscious choice to take on something new. It is so important to think about what it was like for you as a newly married couple starting out on the farm. The physical act of taking out bags of stuff and creating more order in your life will give you energy to make new decisions.  In coaching terms, you need to let go of things and expectations, take on new learning, hold on to what is important to you, and move on with the things you can’t change or have no control over.  I know that many farm couples are stuck because the whole process of moving just seems to be too overwhelming, you really need to take the first step and keep going.
Let go, take on, hold on, and move on.

Be gracious about the need for the younger generation to have access to the main yard to raise their family and work together as a strong farm couple team. I once had a very poignant story told to me by the farming son. “Elaine, I want my wife to be holding the flashlight while I load the auger, not my mother. My wife and I need to learn to work as a farm team. Mom and Dad need to leave the main yard. It is time.”

Talk about what a good day looks like to you on the farm yard, and enjoy the new and creative things the next generation does to the farm house.  I know how hard this is for everyone. We lived in our parent’s home for 11 years before we got the title, and before any major renovations were done. When we painted the house blue in l991, my father-in-law was very disappointed…but he survived, and the house is long since another colour.  We are now at a new stage. In ten years we may be living in a condo in town, and coming to the farm to do yard work, and odd jobs. Any renovations now might be better left to our son if he chooses to farm and live on the yard. I am still in the process of helping my father downsize his abode, as his needs are changing, and he may have to move for health reasons.

A client relayed that he has gone from “telling” to “asking”. He will always be the parent, but the roles are shifting, and he is letting go of management decisions, and the right to be the final decision maker. Life is a journey of letting go, and moving on. 

What things can you do this winter to start embracing the idea that someday you may have to move off the main yard, and let the next generation have the fun of sitting in the middle of the action?
I enlist the help of my daughter who loves to use a labeler, and is a natural organizer. I also ask for help to haul things to the dump, and I am considering booking my own personal dumpster for a week to really focus on a family purge…we will all chuck things out.

Do you need to have all that evidence junk around you?  Those trophies from high school, the text books from college that you never open, and those magazines that are older than 3 months?
Grainews clippings, okay, file them or scrapbook them, but really, some of us need fire starter.

Find out how great it feels to simplify your surroundings, and explore the place you might like to live next. Try it out. You don’t have to tell the neighbours what you are up to, but please take your spouse with you!

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Elaine Froese helps farm families get unstuck. She feels loved when someone else drives the junk to the dump. Visit her at www.elainefroese.com. Buy her book, and encourage your family to let go. 
Watch her on AgVision TV at www.agvisiontv.com.