Last week my friend and I had the joy of taking a warm evening walk in town, and seeing the young kids testing out the depths of the water in the ditches. I bet some of them had “dares” to see who would go in the deepest. This same friend also gave me a copy of the book “The Love Dare” (www.lovedarebook.com).

Books can really change your life, and I believe that “The Love Dare” is the best gift you could give your family this month. The idea is to have a 40-day assignment to do things that will strengthen your marriage. For example, “Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse. Tell them you are putting their preference first.” What issue did you choose? What did giving in cost you? How will this help you in the future?

May is one of the most intense months on the farm when the crop needs to be planted in a timely manner. There is lots of tension with deadlines, broken equipment, stuck tractors, and meals to the field. The intentional things we choose to do as we do in our love life as farmers is going to make a big difference to the resilience we have as couples to deal with the stresses of everyday farming.

Along with the book I would encourage you to see the DVD “Fireproof” (www.fireproofmymarriage.com) available at Wal-mart and bookstores. If you can’t get on the field, watch the movie together as a couple. You’ll enjoy the storyline of a couple who is on the brink of divorce due to many issues of disrespect, selfishness and poor communication.

I’ve also been reading “Bring Back the Joy” by Sheila Walsh, who had a strained relationship with her mom. Walsh says: “Sometimes it’s harder to love parents — whom we may want to blame for their contributions to our negative, shameful feelings — than it is to love strangers. If this is a problem for you, I suggest you take a new tack: Date your mother. …Get to know your mother in ways you haven’t before. Celebrate the woman she is. Say thank-you. Send flowers. Write her a note. Take her out to dinners. Buy her something she wanted as a child and never got. Move a little closer. Take another picture of her.”

Many farm moms would love their adult children to show them more love, and also work on their marriages. The love dare exercises would be great for each married generation on your farm, the newlyweds, and the more seasoned couples.

I believe that when the family home is harmonious and strong, the farm business can weather many different storms. My work takes me into situations where the family is well-connected and communicates well. These family meetings are a delight to facilitate. I also see farm couples who struggle with respect, selfishness, and tangled expectations.

We’re planning to do the Love Dare book over a period of time, not necessarily 40 days. I don’t ask readers to do things I am not willing to do myself.

We have four weddings coming up over the summer months, and two 50th anniversary celebrations. Regardless of whether you are just starting out as a couple, or in the winter season of your marriage, please pay attention to loving each other with intentional acts of kindness and thoughtfulness.

My husband and I don’t have our moms anymore, but we will still honour their memory on Mother’s Day. Is it time for you to ease your mother’s stress and promise her that you will work on improving your marriage? I bet that would be one of the best gifts you will ever give your mom.

“Love one another” is the inscription on my mother’s grave. Let it be your motive this month of May 2009, and forever.

I’d love to hear about the success of your “love dares.” Blessings to all for a safe, successful seeding season.
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Elaine Froese farms with her husband in southwestern Manitoba. As a mediator, coach, and expert succession speaker she encourages farm families across Canada.
Book her now for your fall conference at 1-866-848-8311 or visit www.elainefroese.com to buy her book “Planting the Seed of Hope.”

As I write this in May, it’s mental health week. Longtime readers know that 25 years ago I dealt with a very serious post-partum depression, and I am thankful to have had 25 years of good health since that hard year in l984. In my coaching journey I have met many farmers who are feeling very down, trapped, and sometimes close to suicidal. They don’t often want to admit that they need help. I am a coach, not a psychologist, but all of us can be supportive.

You don’t have to be a professional to help. “If you think something is wrong, don’t be afraid to ask. The person at risk is likely wanting help but not knowing who or how to ask for help,” says the Men at Risk brochure.

Men at Risk is a unique program in central Alberta that is geared to helping men working in trades, industry and agriculture. I spoke with Irene Fraser, the program coordinator (email Irene.fraser@ech.ab.ca, or call 780-679-1241). The Men at Risk program in Alberta uses male presenters who share their experience with depression and stress.

The facts: Seven out of 10 Canadians with depression are in the workforce (Stats Can). And almost half of workers surveyed thought that missing work because of depression would get them into trouble or fired. (Ipsos Reid Survey). Imagine the self-employed farmers who are depressed and struggling, the cows still need care, and machinery needs fixing. They don’t want to admit they need help.

WATCH FOR THESE SIGNS OF DEPRESSION

Many farm folks experience all kinds of loss, yet they don’t reflect on how the losses are piling up. We’ve lost great grain prices, some of us have lost parents, a marriage, a dream to own the home yard, etc. Recent experiences of a significant crisis (for example, death, loss of relationship, job or health crisis) can indicate that help is needed.
•changes in eating and /or sleeping habits
•changes in behavior, energy level and attitude
•anxious, restless or irritable feelings
•hopeless or helpless feelings
•withdrawing from others, lack of interest in activities
•increased use of alcohol or drugs
•thinking about, talking or joking about death or suicide
•making final arrangements (If a person starts to give things away, this could be a sign.)

Many spouses are scared when they see the behaviour of their loved ones changing for the worse. We all need to take courage and ask directly about:
•How they are doing
•How this situation is affecting them
•How bad are things
•If anyone else knows
•If they are thinking about suicide
•If they have tried to get help

LISTEN

Listening is a great resource. We have two ears and one tongue for a reason!
Listen to:
•What they are saying about how they are feeling. Avoid making judgments
•Find out where their pressures and pain are coming from
•Don’t jump in with advice right away.
•Listen without arguing.

WHERE DO YOU GO FOR HELP?

I’d suggest calling your province’s farm stress line. In Manitoba, Janet Smith, Stress Line Coordinator, is familiar with Alberta’s Men at Risk program. The stress lines are in communication with other provinces and share resources.

Encourage men to talk to someone rather than struggle with their problems alone. Find out what can be done to relieve the pressure. Maybe it’s time to hire relief help. Let them know there is help for people who are feeling overwhelmed.

Check on community services. I recommend seeing a doctor to check to see if depression is a factor.

Get their agreement to take a first step towards getting help, and help them make the call. In Alberta, the mental health help line is 1-877-303-2642.

If the person is at immediate risk, don’t leave them alone. I have asked suicidal farmers directly “Are you thinking of ending your life?”. Listen for their response.

In June we celebrate and honour our fathers. Many dads would love to hear their families say “Thanks for working so hard, we really appreciate all you do for us!” The lack of appreciation can so easily be turned around into thankfulness. I’ve seen families start to be more intentional about gratitude, which creates a healthier positive attitude in the family dynamic.

Depression is an illness. We all need to de-stigmatize it, and be ready to ask for help.

In my mind’s eye, I see a young farmer in tears, face cupped in his hands, saying “Elaine I can’t take this anymore!” I listen. He seeks professional help. He now understands that men at risk are stronger when they don’t walk the stress journey alone.

Don’t take your relationships for granted. Be thankful that you can find help and healing. Walk down the lane together. Listen to one another.

Have a wonderful Father’s Day…..Be well.

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Elaine Froese facilitates tough family meetings as a professional certified coach and mediator.

Do you have children in their 20s and 30s still depending on you for food and accommodation?
Here are tips for setting them free

Today is the deadline day for a farmer I know to have all the equipment ready for the field, the magic time of being totally ready to seed a bountiful crop. He will depend on help from his son, and another employee. On his farm everyone has a separate home, and a workable family living budget.

Spring is the time we are aware of what income taxes we need to pay. But are we aware of all the non-taxable benefits we enjoy on the farm? Dick Wittman has a planning template to figure out all the things we enjoy on the farm, but don’t account for. (Go to www.wittmanconsulting.com and hit the file downloads “Compensation Summary.” The list includes “free beef,” fuel for the pick-up’s personal use, and other benefits. The farm’s generosity covers many family living expenses. Compensation is sometimes a contentious issue.

Freeloading is a slang term with somewhat of a negative context. I wonder if you have challenged your single adult sons to account for all the benefits they have when they live with you after age 25, and how they depend on you for farm based generosity.

Some single farmers are not leaving the nest. They have it very good at mom’s house. She is still doing their laundry, feeding them, and mending jeans. Mom is looking for mobile homes, but son isn’t getting the hint.

According the age needs map of coaching, it is important for 20-something adults to leave home and become independent. This flight from the nest gives them a stronger self-esteem and sense of confidence as they learn to do life on their own terms, and with their own financial resources. Sons who don’t ever leave the family farm tend to be angry at age 35 when they feel like “they missed out, and are trapped with family, mortgages, and never-ending farm tasks.”

Farm kids who get to work for a boss other than dad come back to the home farm with a new appreciation for different management and work styles. They also learn good money sense when they have to stretch their own hard earned cash.

How do you ask a freeloader to leave?

“We love you son. We want you to live on your own. We hope that you will become more independent. We think this move will also make you more attractive for marriage. Women are attracted to strong, financially independent men.” Marriage is an important part of the farm human resource plan!

In Westlock, Alta., I had a 42-year-old farmer approach me after the session with these words: “Elaine, I forgot to get married!” He had focused all of his energy and time on building up his farm wealth bubble. Time had flown by, and now he realizes he did not pay any attention to his personal needs for relationship. A helpful spouse would be a great part of his human resource team for his operation. I don’t know if this particular farmer was freeloading at his folk’s home, but I suspect he wishes mom had encouraged him to date.

Freeloaders may also come in the form of young couples who are not pulling their weight on the farm team, or those writing large personal cheques from the farm account without adequate explanation. Money is what people fight about, and don’t always talk about. These freeloading issues need to be part of the agenda at your family business meeting.

If your style in coping with anger and frustration is to go and “shop ‘til you drop,” you need to deal with the negative sides of “retail therapy.” Using the farm credit card without authorization or wildly spending on things the farm budget can’t afford is another form of freeloading on the farm.

I hope I’ve hit a nerve here. Money issues are very often the root of much hurt, fear and frustration in farm families. I would hope you have a very clear idea of where your money goes for family living expenses, and where the farm account is benefiting you. Start keeping track of your personal living expenses. You’ll need this number to justify your income stream draw from the farm account. Lenders and financial planners want this information to be realistic and accurate, so start tracking now!

It’s time to address freeloading on your farm. Be hard on the problem, but soft on the person. Address the issue, and generate workable solutions.

Remember, it’s your farm, your family, your choice. Happy Seeding!
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Elaine Froese, CAFA, CHICoach, has been keeping track of family living expenses for 28 years, and is thankful for computer programs to do this. Generosity is a great value. Think about the advantage of your farm status. Visit www.elainefroese.com or call 1-866-848-8311 for coaching appointments.

It happened in the foyer of our church this morning. My pastor asked me how my week had gone, and I quickly said, “It was tough to see a family choose to curse instead of bless. We all get to choose whether we bless or curse one another.” He nodded knowingly, and wrapped his arm around my shoulder.

It’s time to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ, Lord and Saviour. Easter is about remembering the cursing Christ endured from the Pharisees and Jews in Pilate’s square, the lashings under the watch of the High Priest, and the taunting of the criminal on the cross next to Him. In all that cursing, Jesus choose to say to the Father, “Forgive them, they know not what they do.”

Read that line again. Insert your family member’s name. Forgive that person.

Every day we get to set a fabulous sunrise, stretch out our arms in praise and walk into a day of purpose. As farmers we are grounded in the seasons of life, the planting the raining, the growth, and ultimately the harvest. We see lots of life, and death as the cycles of growth surround us.

Some farm families are not growing. They are choking with negative energy, bitterness, and a lack a basic respect. They are choosing to judge each other, avoid talking through the tough issues, and drowning in self-pity and sadness.

Why? They don’t know the love of God firsthand. God loves us just the way we are, and when we accept the love of Jesus, we are gifted with eternal life because the stone was rolled away on Easter morning. Jesus conquered death. He rose again. Many people saw Him after the resurrection. True Christ followers model the love of God in word and deed. They reach out to comfort hurting people, and offer the good news of God’s unconditional love. God loves you deeply.

Why do you refuse the love of God and His complete forgiveness? Do you not know?

Have you really considered the power of His words in the scriptures? You have a choice to choose to love one another as Christ has loved you. We are free people, deeply loved.

Yes, we all make mistakes in causing hurt, but that doesn’t mean the remainder of your life is doomed to misery on your 40 acres. You can reach out and ask for forgiveness. You can pass the olive branch of forgiveness, let go of past hurt, and walk into a new day of resolved, restored relationships.

Your farm, your family, your choice is my essential message. We all want our farms to be profitable and growing well. We want to be happy in our family farm teams. We all get to choose the type of behaviours and attitudes that will spew forth from our lips and bodies.

Christ’s body hung on a cross as the ultimate sacrifice for our sins. His death was the bridge to God’s acceptance of us as children of God. We just need to accept the reality of the resurrection and live it out on our farms as a deep blessing to love others.

I’ve seen a fair few farm kitchen tables these past few months. Some are circled with hope and optimism for a new exciting chapter for the farm family. Others are pounded with despair and a deep lack of respect for building relationship, with conscious choosing to curse rather than bless.
What new life will you embrace this Easter? Read the Beatitudes in Matthew chapter 5. Read the gospels, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, in the final chapters to get a full view of the life of Christ in his final week on earth.

I pray that you will consider ways this spring to bless your family and build up their emotional bank account. Too many farmers are in pain as their love tanks are very dry. As a believer who farms, I challenge you to encourage your neighbours with the good news of the gospel.

I am looking forward to the spring planting and the hope of a great harvest. I am also anticipating more time at my own kitchen table, loving the folks who matter the most, my own family.

Spring has come. Rejoice. The Lord has risen. He has risen indeed.
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Elaine Froese coaches farm families to discover new possibilities for their business and family. She speaks to groups across Canada with practical insights and tools she has gleaned from over 30 years on the farm. Easter is her favourite celebration.