Thanksgiving is one of my favourite celebrations of the year, simply because it calls me to give thanks with a grateful heart. It’s a marker in our year after harvest as we gather at church to view the display of wheat, garden gifts, and celebrate with a bountiful meal. We also are blessed to share the bounty of the harvest with others across the globe who receive our mission gifts.

Are you celebrating with an attitude of gratitude this fall? It’s been a year since my mother-in-law, whom I loved dearly, was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She passed away in January 2009, yet her legacy of living generously lives on in our hearts. I am thankful that her love still grounds me when I encourage daughters in law.

Celebration is one of the key factors for strong farm families to be able to bounce back from the bumps of life. Dr. Nikki Gerrard’s research showed that those farmers who can step back and celebrate what is good in their world are more resilient to the stresses of farm life’s messes.

As I write this, I am reflecting on a workshop led by David Gouthro (www.theconsultingedge.com <http://www.theconsultingedge.com), an expert facilitator. He emphasized the importance of looking for “what is right in the group” before working at solving the issues that need to be addressed. He showed the Dewitt Jones DVD “Celebrating what’s right in the world.” (You can preview the DVD at www.celebratetraining.com <http://www.celebratetraining.com> .)

The tear jerker for me was the Scottish Highland farmer who took great delight in showing Dewitt his weight tossing skills, which ultimately became the photo for a global whiskey ad. After many relatives across the globe saw the photo, they became intrigued and journeyed to Scotland to check out their farmer cousin in person. This led to the largest gathering of the clan in several decades, and they had a wonderful celebration. This joyous occasion started with a photograph driven by the curiosity of Dewitt Jones, and culminated in amazing connections.

Why am I telling you this?
This curiosity about visiting the farm was a huge gift to me just six weeks ago. I was attending the International Succession conference in Quebec City and I heard a young woman with a New Zealand accent asking very tough questions to the guest speaker. I approached her with my card and my book sensing that I needed to learn more from her. She responded by saying, “Elaine, when can I come to visit your farm?” I said, “How about next week?”

Her name is Mandi Mcleod, a farm consultant and New Zealand farmer. As a Nuffield scholar, she is traveling the world studying farm succession tools. Her gift to me was visiting our farm. She stayed for six days. We talked and talked, made meals for the field together, and enjoyed our common passion to make a difference with farm family transitions. We also shared coaching over a speakerphone with a farm client dealing with the tough issues of farm fairness.

While Mandi was here, she photographed the combines consuming the standing wheat, and our family sharing a meal in the field. Her artful photos captivated my Toronto audience a few days later as I shared the unique culture of agriculture. The city folks were amazed with the acres, the investments, and the risks and challenges we take in stride as farm families.

Mandi was moved when she saw the writing on the wall in our foyer: “Life is not a dress rehearsal.” This quote speaks to me, and to Mandi. As farm coaches, we are focused on making a difference by celebrating what’s right in agriculture and in families, and working on the issues that keep us from seeing what’s right in the world.

Get out and take some photos to share with friends. I’m prescribing more parties for us all. Let’s invite folks to our farms. Let’s encourage more Nuffield scholars from Canada to learn and share. (www.nuffield.ca <http://www.nuffield.ca> )

We live an amazing life. Invite someone to come celebrate what’s right on your farm. If you visit our farm, you bring the bagpipes, and I’ll do the fling. Celebrate!

Last week my friend and I had the joy of taking a warm evening walk in town, and seeing the young kids testing out the depths of the water in the ditches. I bet some of them had “dares” to see who would go in the deepest. This same friend also gave me a copy of the book “The Love Dare” (www.lovedarebook.com).

Books can really change your life, and I believe that “The Love Dare” is the best gift you could give your family this month. The idea is to have a 40-day assignment to do things that will strengthen your marriage. For example, “Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse. Tell them you are putting their preference first.” What issue did you choose? What did giving in cost you? How will this help you in the future?

May is one of the most intense months on the farm when the crop needs to be planted in a timely manner. There is lots of tension with deadlines, broken equipment, stuck tractors, and meals to the field. The intentional things we choose to do as we do in our love life as farmers is going to make a big difference to the resilience we have as couples to deal with the stresses of everyday farming.

Along with the book I would encourage you to see the DVD “Fireproof” (www.fireproofmymarriage.com) available at Wal-mart and bookstores. If you can’t get on the field, watch the movie together as a couple. You’ll enjoy the storyline of a couple who is on the brink of divorce due to many issues of disrespect, selfishness and poor communication.

I’ve also been reading “Bring Back the Joy” by Sheila Walsh, who had a strained relationship with her mom. Walsh says: “Sometimes it’s harder to love parents — whom we may want to blame for their contributions to our negative, shameful feelings — than it is to love strangers. If this is a problem for you, I suggest you take a new tack: Date your mother. …Get to know your mother in ways you haven’t before. Celebrate the woman she is. Say thank-you. Send flowers. Write her a note. Take her out to dinners. Buy her something she wanted as a child and never got. Move a little closer. Take another picture of her.”

Many farm moms would love their adult children to show them more love, and also work on their marriages. The love dare exercises would be great for each married generation on your farm, the newlyweds, and the more seasoned couples.

I believe that when the family home is harmonious and strong, the farm business can weather many different storms. My work takes me into situations where the family is well-connected and communicates well. These family meetings are a delight to facilitate. I also see farm couples who struggle with respect, selfishness, and tangled expectations.

We’re planning to do the Love Dare book over a period of time, not necessarily 40 days. I don’t ask readers to do things I am not willing to do myself.

We have four weddings coming up over the summer months, and two 50th anniversary celebrations. Regardless of whether you are just starting out as a couple, or in the winter season of your marriage, please pay attention to loving each other with intentional acts of kindness and thoughtfulness.

My husband and I don’t have our moms anymore, but we will still honour their memory on Mother’s Day. Is it time for you to ease your mother’s stress and promise her that you will work on improving your marriage? I bet that would be one of the best gifts you will ever give your mom.

“Love one another” is the inscription on my mother’s grave. Let it be your motive this month of May 2009, and forever.

I’d love to hear about the success of your “love dares.” Blessings to all for a safe, successful seeding season.
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Elaine Froese farms with her husband in southwestern Manitoba. As a mediator, coach, and expert succession speaker she encourages farm families across Canada.
Book her now for your fall conference at 1-866-848-8311 or visit www.elainefroese.com to buy her book “Planting the Seed of Hope.”

As I write this in May, it’s mental health week. Longtime readers know that 25 years ago I dealt with a very serious post-partum depression, and I am thankful to have had 25 years of good health since that hard year in l984. In my coaching journey I have met many farmers who are feeling very down, trapped, and sometimes close to suicidal. They don’t often want to admit that they need help. I am a coach, not a psychologist, but all of us can be supportive.

You don’t have to be a professional to help. “If you think something is wrong, don’t be afraid to ask. The person at risk is likely wanting help but not knowing who or how to ask for help,” says the Men at Risk brochure.

Men at Risk is a unique program in central Alberta that is geared to helping men working in trades, industry and agriculture. I spoke with Irene Fraser, the program coordinator (email Irene.fraser@ech.ab.ca, or call 780-679-1241). The Men at Risk program in Alberta uses male presenters who share their experience with depression and stress.

The facts: Seven out of 10 Canadians with depression are in the workforce (Stats Can). And almost half of workers surveyed thought that missing work because of depression would get them into trouble or fired. (Ipsos Reid Survey). Imagine the self-employed farmers who are depressed and struggling, the cows still need care, and machinery needs fixing. They don’t want to admit they need help.

WATCH FOR THESE SIGNS OF DEPRESSION

Many farm folks experience all kinds of loss, yet they don’t reflect on how the losses are piling up. We’ve lost great grain prices, some of us have lost parents, a marriage, a dream to own the home yard, etc. Recent experiences of a significant crisis (for example, death, loss of relationship, job or health crisis) can indicate that help is needed.
•changes in eating and /or sleeping habits
•changes in behavior, energy level and attitude
•anxious, restless or irritable feelings
•hopeless or helpless feelings
•withdrawing from others, lack of interest in activities
•increased use of alcohol or drugs
•thinking about, talking or joking about death or suicide
•making final arrangements (If a person starts to give things away, this could be a sign.)

Many spouses are scared when they see the behaviour of their loved ones changing for the worse. We all need to take courage and ask directly about:
•How they are doing
•How this situation is affecting them
•How bad are things
•If anyone else knows
•If they are thinking about suicide
•If they have tried to get help

LISTEN

Listening is a great resource. We have two ears and one tongue for a reason!
Listen to:
•What they are saying about how they are feeling. Avoid making judgments
•Find out where their pressures and pain are coming from
•Don’t jump in with advice right away.
•Listen without arguing.

WHERE DO YOU GO FOR HELP?

I’d suggest calling your province’s farm stress line. In Manitoba, Janet Smith, Stress Line Coordinator, is familiar with Alberta’s Men at Risk program. The stress lines are in communication with other provinces and share resources.

Encourage men to talk to someone rather than struggle with their problems alone. Find out what can be done to relieve the pressure. Maybe it’s time to hire relief help. Let them know there is help for people who are feeling overwhelmed.

Check on community services. I recommend seeing a doctor to check to see if depression is a factor.

Get their agreement to take a first step towards getting help, and help them make the call. In Alberta, the mental health help line is 1-877-303-2642.

If the person is at immediate risk, don’t leave them alone. I have asked suicidal farmers directly “Are you thinking of ending your life?”. Listen for their response.

In June we celebrate and honour our fathers. Many dads would love to hear their families say “Thanks for working so hard, we really appreciate all you do for us!” The lack of appreciation can so easily be turned around into thankfulness. I’ve seen families start to be more intentional about gratitude, which creates a healthier positive attitude in the family dynamic.

Depression is an illness. We all need to de-stigmatize it, and be ready to ask for help.

In my mind’s eye, I see a young farmer in tears, face cupped in his hands, saying “Elaine I can’t take this anymore!” I listen. He seeks professional help. He now understands that men at risk are stronger when they don’t walk the stress journey alone.

Don’t take your relationships for granted. Be thankful that you can find help and healing. Walk down the lane together. Listen to one another.

Have a wonderful Father’s Day…..Be well.

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Elaine Froese facilitates tough family meetings as a professional certified coach and mediator.