Gifts with Strings Attached

Money issues can harm relationships, especially if a father hoards his money rather than open the purse strings for a son or daughter who could really use the help.

It’s been one of those weeks again when the same phrase shows up in three very different coaching conversations. When you stop to consider how your family feels about money and gift-giving in particular, do you ever get the sense that your parents will only give a financial gift “if there are strings attached?”

What does this really mean?

For some fathers it is a reflection of their money style and history of doing without for many years. Now they have amazing wealth, but not the ability to let it flow freely. I have heard that some folks are so engrained with saving and frugality they just can’t bring themselves to spend even though there is an ample cache.

Parents’ money styles that involve tight fists are hard to deal with when the next generation is looking for certainty about their financial well-being. There are farming sons and daughters who have done very well creating wealth and don’t expect any money from their parents. Those same sons and daughters may have siblings, the sisters of the successful farming child, who really could benefit from papa and mama’s unfettered generosity.

It seems to be a re-occurring story I am hearing from farming children. They are a bit miffed that any talk about how the farm wealth will be shared seems to come with a conversation about “We would give them more money, but they will just blow it, or spend it on things we don’t like!”

A gift once received is really out of the giver’s hands. If you choose to put conditions on how the gift is used, you are using money to manipulate your family. I have seen how lending to family has turned into a nightmare of bad feelings and broken relationships. I have also witnessed wise lending when a promissory note was signed to protect both parties, with no hard feelings whatsoever.

We celebrate Father’s Day in June, and it is a time to honour our fathers. Some of you are having a hard time doing this because the way your dad has been handling the farm transfer is driving you crazy. You are feeling manipulated and you really would like to have some certainty around transition timelines.

We all would like the gift of respect. If this needs to be the year that you respectfully approach your parents to start the conversation around transition, do it gently, yet with a firm intention to reach your transition goals. Your dad is afraid of his future because he is looking for a meaningful life, and to him that likely still involves doing stuff around the farm. He also has a spouse who is ready for a change, but he can’t resolve how he is going to please everyone in the process.

The town folks talk about “gifts with strings attached,” too. They see the things we possess, and wonder if all the family members are treated the same when it is assumed that the business founder is doing really well financially. Some children are independent and never want parental help, while others also hope that the “bank of mom and dad” will be open forever.

I know families who keep ledgers of what they give each child, and to them this gives them some sense of fairness. I wonder what the kids think about the ledger. My experience is that every situation is unique and some people will just need more money than others in order to make life work. There are folks who seem to have resources flowing to them in many forms: time, friends, gifts, barters, windfalls and opportunities taken.

Could you present your father with a gift this year with absolutely no strings attached, with no expectation except the sheer delight of giving a gift that honors your dad?

A rancher from Alberta made an impact on my friends when he shared a story about the best gift of being the elder generation on his ranch. The time he spends with his wee grandson and the delight he sees in his face when they are riding the range together is “priceless” to this grandfather and father. His legacy of respect, love and relationship building is a wonderful gift he receives all throughout the year.

When it comes to money, are you fearful of running out of resources as you age? Are you holding on tight to the wealth you have worked so hard to build up? If a financial advisor confirmed that you have more than enough, would you open your hand and let some dollars flow to the family member who need a financial boost, and those who don’t? Would you delight in seeing the face of an adopted family member use your resources to better their life? Could you give the gift anonymously to your community or a charity?

God has called us to honour our parents. He has also called us to be cheerful givers and sow abundantly.

I hope that you will spend some time reflecting on your style of giving and what expectations you carry with transferring gifts of money to your family and friends.

It’s one of those tough “undiscussabullsTM” that we all need to be clear about.

I highly recommend a book called The Soul of Money by Lynne Twist. It will help address our feelings and relationship with money.

Love your father. Love your children. Leave a legacy of generosity and abundance of spirit. Let your financial footprints leave a path of certainty and strength for your family.

Have a wonderful Father’s Day!
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Elaine Froese, certified coach, helps facilitate safe family transition meetings. She farms with her husband Wes near Boissevain, Man. She agrees with Ralph Waldo Emerson that “your health is your wealth”, along with rich relationships to God, family and friends.

How much does your lifestyle cost?

No matter what age you are, take the next few years to calculate how much you will need per year when you retire

What is a reasonable amount of income for lifestyle needs after you’ve left the farm and “moved to town”? I have seen huge family debates over the issue of how much money the farm can afford to pay the founders when they leave the operation.

I define lifestyle needs as the amount of money you need to live on to cover all your family living expenses. This includes travel, vehicles, hydro, phone, and all the other perks that the farm account may have paid for in the past, but will not cover when you have moved to town or changed your management/ownership role.

How much is enough is a really personal question. David Kohl’s rule is a range of $40,000 to $70,000 for a living allowance, based on what the farm can afford. Nebraska research Dave Goeller suggests the average family farm in his state seeks $60,000. Quebec chartered accountant Mario Dumas uses a figure of $45,500 as a typical income-stream planning figure.

Whatever the number you have in your head, you owe it to everyone in the transition process to have a realistic number the farm can plan for. I suggest you take a computer program such as Quickbooks or whatever Ag software you have to keep very close track of all personal living expenses for a year. I have done this for 25 years, and know exactly what our family spends on family living. You also have to be clear about what your list doesn’t include. Ask your bank or credit union for living expense forms to get you started.

Many farm dads want an active role on the farm for as long as they are able. Even if they move, they still would like a pick-up truck to drive to the farm, and I think, preserve their identity as a farmer. “Am I still a farmer if I can use purple diesel in my truck?”

Experts recommend that the older generation have at least 50 per cent of their retirement income from OUTSIDE investments, non-farm related income. This is where I see a great need for the use of financial planners for all ages to make sure you are aware of investment opportunities and your lifestyle needs. If you are a young farm family, get a financial planner soon so you’ll have non-farm income streams later on.

Kohl says it is “critical to share the farm books, as everyone in the business team needs to know the income stream potential of the farm or ranch.” I also recommend clients to sign up for the Canadian Farm Business Advisory Service (CFBAS) consultation that will give you an excellent financial snapshot to use as a foundation for planning. The CFBAS program will cost you $100. This program was rumoured to be changing at the end of March, so call today at 1-866-452-5558 to see if you can get some number crunching consulting done.

What will be the trigger event that motivates your family to do the work of keeping track of lifestyle income needs? Some farm women can earn a great wage off the farm, but they are tired, and want the farm to make the money so they can focus their energy at home and on the farm. Heart attacks and cancer are not the best triggers for making sound financial plans, so I urge you to understand your family living expenses, and know what you need.

“People have to live until they die. In the preservation (retirement) stage you have to manage the unmanageable,” says Kohl. I agree. We spend a lot of time on making a living, and planning for the estate, but don’t forget to plan well for the two decades or more you will live when you move to town, and leave the main management of the farm.

Consider this saying “He is rich who needs the least.” Now make that call to find a financial advisor for your lifestyle needs.
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Elaine Froese is a certified farm family business coach and amazing speaker who facilitates courageous conversations with families in transition. Ask her those nagging farm succession questions.

Let Easter shine its light

Spring holds the promise of new life — and forgiveness.

“I know I need to forgive my in-laws for the way things have gone on our farm. It is just hard to let go of the anger and resentment for the way we’ve been treated.” Her words are steady and sure. She’s been thinking of how she can let go of her ill feelings to be able to enjoy her farming future. The Bible says “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”(Colossians 3:13 NIV)

Easter shows us the way to let go of hurt and enjoy the freedom of living forgiven. Jesus Christ is the ultimate sacrifice to make us right with God, when we accept His death on the cross as an act of “making us right before God.” Christ rose from the dead and conquered death. He loves us unconditionally. Our acceptance of His gift of dying for our sins sets us on a new path of freedom and total forgiveness for all the wrongs we commit. Because Christ forgave us, we can forgive others.

Some farmers don’t want me to talk about Jesus. They want to try and work out things on their own without “spiritual stuff.” Unfortunately I can’t facilitate “fake forgiveness” when there is no model that helps the family truly forgive and move on with their farm’s future.

Forgiveness is a conscious act of the will to let go of the offense. For the distressed farm woman it means not dwelling on the past hurt, but releasing the offender’s actions and saying “I choose to forgive you, and move on”. It doesn’t mean that she will totally forget the wrongdoing, but it does mean she will not dwell on it, nor let it consume her thoughts.

“Your forgiveness can be a catalyst for others to forgive themselves. You become happier and therefore a better team player [on your farm]. Your compassion improves the quality of your interactions. Demonstrating forgiveness and self-forgiveness gives others permission to make mistakes, to be relaxed and authentic rather than fearful and defensive,” says Mariah Burton Nelson, author of “The Unburdened Heart.”

How do you learn to forgive? Read your Bible, starting with John. Go to www.biblegateway.com and do a word search on the word “forgive.” You’ll find 116 verses about forgiveness! Write out those scriptures on post-it notes and stick them on your computer and bathroom mirror.

Seek the counsel of your pastor or spiritual director. Some farm families invite their minister to come to a family meeting for the express purpose of prayer and witnessing a forgiveness ritual by the family. This is a courageous act of using the meeting as the “marker” for the day when the family chooses to forgive and move on with a new freedom.

What is stopping you from forgiving those on your farm team who frustrate you? The person who “lets go” and forgives is the one with the ability to make positive choices and not be weighed down by guilt and ill feelings. Those who keep “short accounts of wrongs done” are the holders of the largest emotional bank accounts. Their sense of well being gives them huge resilience to the bumps of farm stress we all are bound to face.

Spring holds the promise of new life and amazing birth. Forgiveness modeled after the way Jesus forgives us holds new life and energy for an amazing freedom to enjoy peace.

Let today be the day you search out what the Bible really says about forgiveness. Let today be the “defining moment” of letting go a deep farm related hurt. Let this Easter be your celebration of accepting Jesus’ deep love for you, so that you can be forgiven and free.
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Elaine Froese speaks to farm audiences across Canada and the U.S. Her award-winning book “Planting the Seed of Hope” addresses the need for families to celebrate throughout the year. She farms in southwestern Manitoba and coaches families to talk about tough transition issues.

Make sure the farm takes care of Mom

Many women pour their lives into the farm yet have no control over the purse stings or their retirement income

“It would be really appreciated if the opinions of the women on this ranch counted for something,” quips the tired bookkeeper of a sprawling family owned business. I hear the sadness in her voice because she feels she has no voice regarding the decision making or management of a business she has given her heart to for over 22 years.

Last month I had the honour of speaking to the National Women in Agriculture Educators Conference in Oklahoma City, and the Women in Agriculture Conference in Wanatchee, Washington. I’ve learned a few things that you might like to share with your Momma on Mother’s Day!

Women initiate the courageous conversations that need to happen for the farm and ranch to stay profitable. If you think you can keep avoiding conflict you are sadly mistaken. Seek to find out what others want, and talk about it with respect!
Women in the United States are about to become 75 per cent of the landowners in the next wave of land transfer. The same is probably true for Canada. So if these “granny landowners” have most of the farmland, what impact will this have on your future and your future relationships?

I am reminded of the phone call from Saskatchewan where a distressed older farmer related that his non-farming siblings were suing their mother! Not exactly the kind of Mother’s Day gift one might anticipate. These siblings were waiting for their land inheritance, and mom was living well into her 90s.

We can pull two messages from this story. One, be nice to your mom, she may outlive you! And two, folks are all living longer and you need money to maintain your lifestyle when you leave the farm at 75 or sooner. That takes planning. Perhaps the best gift this year is to take Mom out for a nice meal, and talk about your dreams for the future. Then hire some professional advisors to build the road map to get what you want while providing for her retirement at the same time.

There are lots of social security issues for women who have always ploughed their savings and income into the black hole of the farm. When you wake up at 65 and realize that your pension income just isn’t going to cut it, I hope you have generous children waiting in line to help you out. Otherwise, I hope you were a smart woman investor who is reaping the benefits of your own personal wealth bubble that generates an income stream, regardless of the financial health of the ranch.

My mom has passed on, but she left me a legacy of love. In the end that’s what really counts anyway, the emotional bank account that women build as farm leaders and family leaders. My mom also encouraged me to take on any project with confidence. She modeled a woman who definitely did have a strong voice.

While many women are about to be very wealthy due to the inheritances that are transitioning across the wave of boomer children, but they may also crave emotional wealth.
A woman stopped me at the Regina Farm Show last June and thanked me for the best birthday she had experienced in 24 years of marriage. Her husband had been inspired by my encouragement at Grazing School to put effort into intentional appreciation of your spouse. He showed up on her birthday with a card, flowers, chocolate and supper out. She was deeply moved, feeling immensely loved and appreciated. Patiently for 24 years she waited for this amazing inexpensive expression of love!

Mother’s Day is hard for those who have said goodbye to the woman who fed them chicken noodle soup when they were sick. It’s also hard for those folks who face unresolved issues of deep conflict with the keeper of the farm’s purse strings.

Make this year different.

Resolve to face your conflict bumps and show love to the woman who faithfully has served your farm family in good times and in bad.

Call your mom.

Plan to empower your mom to manage her wealth well. Seek out financial advisors. Celebrate the gift of family and friends by intentionally saying “thanks” to the women in blue jeans who have given you a great opportunity in agriculture.

Don’t get stuck in the muck of fear and regret. You only have today to choose to give a voice, and a listening ear, to the women who have helped you create the wealth on your farm and ranch.

Ride the range together and listen to each other’s heart’s desires. Understand that the way women are wired they don’t expect you to solve their problems. They just would really like you to listen to their story.

Write a word of affirmation to a strong woman who has modeled something wonderful for you and your loved ones. “I love you” is universally understood. “I appreciate all that you have done over the years” will break open the floodgates of renewed relationships.

Draw a support map with your name in the center to figure out “Who is it that really cares about our family farm? Who can I go to to talk about these things?” The answer is likely “mom.”

The open arms of a loving mom are safe harbour for many storms in life. Extend your reach to a woman in agriculture today, even if your own mom is gone, and strengthen that connection.

You’ll be glad you are part of the chain in giving “voice” to women in agriculture.

Happy Mother’s Day to all!
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Elaine Froese is a catalyst for creative change in conflicted farm families. As a certified coach and speaker she inspires folks to “discuss the undiscussabulls.”

Where there is a will there’s a way

Farmers — and columnists — deal with deadlines all the time. But are you prepared for your final deadline?

“Make sure the machinery is all ready to go for seeding by April 20,” quips a well-organized farmer to his trainee son. This benchmark date has served this farm well as a goal to get equipment all in place for smoother seeding. Deadlines help me get this column written in time, even if it happens on my laptop in the passenger side of our vehicle on road trips!

Today I want to propose a very serious deadline for ALL readers. This deadline deals with death — your death. I want you to call your lawyer by Friday of this week, and make an appointment to update or create your will. Even if you are single, make a will!

Why? A will is a document of your intentions and wishes of how you want your estate handled in the event of your death. When there is a will, there is a way to effectively deal with your estate and your intentions. With no will there is chaos, too much tax, and deep family hurt.

“I can do it later,” just won’t cut it with me. I sat in a circle of young parents and asked how many were “will-less.” Answer: the majority of them. So I gave them my “you need a will” speech. Since that summer meeting only one young mom has told me that she has acted, and decided on guardians for children and signed a valid will in a law office.

“Who will care for the children?” is likely a pretty big stumbling block, but get over it. Start some courageous conversations and take action for the well-being of the family you love. Not having a will is very unloving.

“Our will is 20 years old,” is another scary reality for many farm couples. When there is conflict over how the non-farming children will be treated, things just slide, and no new wills are ever created. Not making a decision to change or update your will is still a decision. You’ve just decided not to act.

Many farm families are getting their expensive equipment ready to plant a very promising crop. How about getting your affairs in order to fulfill the very promises you have made to your spouse and heirs?

Your deadline is next Friday.

I am wearied with sad stories of estates that have gone awry. I personally update my will every three years or when there is a significant change in our financial or family dynamics.

I would suggest that you forgo those two large takeout pizzas for $48, and use the cash for your lawyer’s fees. The cost of not having a legal, updated will could be about “half the farm,” if an outdated beneficiary benefits at the expense of the people who are currently creating the wealth on your farm. You’re sure to get your income taxes in order by April 30, so why not get a deadline on updating your will?

I am not a lawyer. I am a farm family business coach who mediates estate conflicts, and sits in succession planning meetings with anxious families. Write me a note to tell me that you have acted, and updated your will. I’ll put your name in a draw and give the first three winners a copy of my book. My email is elaine@elainefroese.com. My address is Box 957 Boissevain, MB, R0K 0E0.

While you are talking about your will, ask your lawyer about enduring power of attorney and health care directives. You don’t want your tractor seizing up and dying on the way to plant that bumper crop. Why don’t you want your family to know what your will says to ensure that family communication and expectations for their futures are planned for? This gives all family business members the gift of certainty for their futures. It is impossible to share the contents of a will when the will does not exist!

Don’t think you can just scribble your wishes on the back of a scrap piece of paper. You deserve better than that, as handwritten wills cause impossible hassles.

Call the law office, make the appointment, and draft your will.

Sign it, and enjoy the seeding season knowing that you have met your most important deadline…the eventually of planning for your descendents upon your death.
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Elaine Froese creates safe spaces for farm family businesses to have courageous conversations. She wants readers to act! Elaine’s award winning book “Planting the Seed of Hope” would be an awesome Mother’s Day gift. Elaine Froese is a certified coach, and member of the Canadian Association of Farm advisors www.cafanet.com.