The gift of consideration

An inexpensive Christmas gift idea: Use your ears twice as often as your tongue

December 2008

This summer we entertained a guest from down East who had never seen a golden Prairie wheat field. It was on her list of things to celebrate and we enjoyed showing her how to find saskatoons and savour our “exquisite” air. She also commented that our home felt very peaceful and grounded. That was likely the most encouraging word spoken to me this summer.

Farm folks are curious about what gifts to put under the tree this year, and I would like to suggest a powerful gift that lasts the whole year long. This item requires thoughtful attention to the needs of your spouse and children. It won’t cost you any money, but it will cost you the time it takes to listen to another’s perspective. It demands that you use your ears twice as often as your tongue. I encourage you to give the gift of consideration.

Our family is blessed with a high degree of peacefulness when we intentionally practice consideration. I am not demanding that my husband meets all of my needs, and I don’t find it a pain to ask him what he needs at the moment. We have conflicts, but they don’t last long when we sit down and really listen to what the other person is thinking and needing.

It concerns me when a coaching client describes the situation of the farm as “his farm, his priorities” and her needs don’t seem to factor into building a healthier relationship. it can work both ways. I am not just picking on the male side of the equation.

William Hurley once wrote a book called, “His Needs, Her Needs,” which basically states that women are looking for relationship and men are looking for respect. Farm families are very engaged with keeping their business profitable, surviving many stresses, and getting the kids to hockey. Sometimes in the hustle and bustle of everyday living we forget what is really important.

Are you rich in relationship? Do you live a fairly conflict-free life? Are your needs being met by self-care, love and a strong circle of support? Where does God fit in? The bible teaches us to look out for the interests of others, not only our own. when I hear sad tales of “being the housekeeper slave” then I wonder about the wounded one. Does she ask for what she needs? Does she show consideration to the needs of her spouse? Does the husband really understand that her needs are not being met?

I don’t expect my hubby to meet all my needs. This is a lesson well learned early on in marriage. After a rough few days of harvest I was invited to go out with the girls to a birthday party. I declined the invitation, but switched my decision when Wes said, “You need to have some fun.” Five hours later, my fun tank was re-filled and I was refreshed and ready to serve the needs of my farm family.

The gift of consideration is an awareness that other people have needs. I don’t expect that you will copy the martyr syndrome and pour yourself out to exhaustion, but I would coach you to be curious about the other members of your family, and what they need.

I need verbal affirmation and words of encouragement. I am a writer who delights in hearing about how the words on this page can impact your life. I need a lot of sleep. I need to know that I am deeply loved, so hugs and kisses are free flowing at our house.

What do you need? when was the last time you had a great conversation with yourself? Are you paying attention to the things and people that bless you with a deep sense of well being?

I am writing this column on my laptop on a Grey Goose bus, traveling to see my terminally ill mother-in-law. I make this trip with no regrets, as our relationship is loving. We say it, and we show it by our actions.

I started out 2008 with a theme of “delight.” I have enjoyed laughing heartily at the movies, and connecting with new friends. Our family experienced the sheer terror delight of Whitewater rafting on the Kicking Horse River this summer. I have worked hard to help farm families find practical tools to resolve conflict so that they could delight in being a harmonious, profitable farm family business.

I have no idea what your issue or need is that is keeping you awake at night. What I do know is that Jesus Christ is real, and Christmas is a celebration of his birth. This Christmas, wrap your gift of consideration with intentional thoughtfulness. Put a box under the tree that encases a promise to seek to understand, coupons for date night, a commitment to listen more than you speak, and delight in the relationship you choose to cherish.

I know a lot of you farm guys groan at the thought of being mushy or writing a love letter. You already know what you need to do to cherish your spouse and meet some of her needs.

Do it before it’s too late. Like John Ortberg’s book title says, “When the game is over it all goes back in the box.” Choose to fill your Christmas box with consideration, and reap the rewards of a more peace filled happy home.

Merry Christmas.

Who gets grandpa’s tools?

November 2008

It can be the little things in an estate that cause the biggest disagreements. Make a plan to distribute these treasures before you die.

If you are looking for a new winter project that will make huge deposits into your family’s emotional bank account, read on. Many families seeking to settle the estate of loved ones are tangled up in the emotion around the “non-titled property,” what Canadians call “personal effects.”

The University of Minnesota extension service developed a program called “Who gets grandma’s yellow pie plate?” which gives these reasons why giving away the estate stuff is so difficult:

• Avoidance of the issue. This is highly sensitive decision making.
• Different family perceptions of what is “fair.”
• Lack of communication and unwritten family rules. “We don’t talk about asking for stuff.”
• Family history and unresolved conflicts. “Remember what your aunt did last time!”
• Decisions are not made ahead of death, they wait until a crisis hits.

Giving away grandpa’s tools is difficult because he likely didn’t write down a list of whom he would like his things to go to. There is no title or property ownership document of his lathe, screwdrivers or toolbox. Sentimental meanings attached to the tools make decisions more emotional. When you start distributing personal property you are in the grieving process of saying “goodbye” to a loved one connected to the memories of the effects. Who teaches you which distribution methods work best? What are the consequences of doing nothing?

Tips to make your property distribution go more smoothly

1. Go through old papers and discard outdated items.
2. Sell items or gift them to loved ones before you expire.
3. Talk to friends about what distribution methods worked well for them.
4. Make an appointment with family at a specific time other than family celebrations to discuss the issue of giving away your treasures.
5. Take charge now. The funeral is “a piece of cake compared to cleaning out the house, shed, and closing the door for the last time,” says Sharon Kickertz-Gerbig.

Your goals
Grandma and grandpa, what are your goals for letting go of your treasures and stuff?

• To celebrate the stories and memories that go with the treasure.
• To improve family relationships by sharing your intent regarding the distribution.
• To be fair to all involved, using a rotating turn system to choose what items family members or friends would like to inherit.
• To preserve memories by writing a story that goes along with the items gifted.
• To contribute to society by donating items to a local archive or museum for display.

What not to do
I found a note handwritten by a loved one that said “distribute my personal effects evenly among the family in an amicable fashion.” That is an impossible task. What I did do is visit many of my cousins and let them choose one or two things that would remind them of the person deceased. They were pleased that their memory of the loved one was respected.

Individuals and heirs are likely to feel the outcome is “fair” if they have been involved in the decision of distribution or the process. Making the decision before death is the best way, when the owner decides who receives property. Special memories and stories can be shared.

My mom gave me a beautiful fur coat that she had purchased by selling a truckload of wheat. She bought the coat with my sister, who pre-deceased her, and she was pleased that I would make good use of the gift. When folks compliment me on my coat, I am pleased to say that it was a thoughtful gift from my mom, before she died. We all have heard the horror stories about the family Bible being found in the garbage, or personal effects strewn across the lawn, when a loved one dies and someone ravages the estate effects. When decisions are made after death or a crisis, they may not accurately reflect the owner’s wishes. Misunderstanding among heirs can be averted if you list “who gets what and why…and attach that to your will.”

Some folks have seen treasures they wanted go up for public auction. Your family might want to break the silence and open up discussion while grandpa is still able to talk about where he wants his tools to go. Some families have used equal piles of Monopoly money to “pretend purchase” the items of the estate they want. One family simply took turns choosing what was important to them, and they had a great deal of respect for each other to be able to do this. Another family put a dollar value on the items to be distributed, and then matched dollar values as closely as possible. Inheritance is considered “unfair” when moral and ethical standards are not followed. For example, pieces of antique tools “disappear” from grandpa’s shed while he is in hospital. Or siblings help themselves to the yard site inventory that was to go “lock, stock, and barrel” to the new family owner.

All of the immediate family members should have a “voice in the decisions of distribution.” You need to also consider the in-laws, and grandchildren, and special friends.

Use a simple paper with a description of the item, the story behind the item, and why the item is special to you. The giver and the heirs can each do this to determine who is the best emotional match for the treasure to be passed on to the next generation. What special items does your parent have that you hope they will pass on or transfer to you? Why is that item special to you?

As the giver, pass on the story. List the special item, describe it, and state who you would like it to go to, and why. Sign the paper, and date it.

Masking tape on items can be lifted and fall off. Having a complete list attached to your will, or in the hands of your trusted executor may be a better idea. I think the best way to share your treasures is to give them to your heirs and friends before you die.

If you are 50 years old or older, this article will resonate with you because you have likely already had to deal with someone else’s stuff. People in their 50s typically want a simpler lifestyle, and don’t need or want more stuff. People in their 80s are the children of the depression and they like the security of having stuff. So there is lots of talking, story-telling and sharing to do this winter.

Let me know what distribution system has worked well for your family. We all need to learn from each other so that folks don’t want to kill each other with grandpa’s favourite hammer.

Lessons from “The Shack”

October 20, 2008

One dark night before the harvest moon I nestled into my comfy corner kitchen sofa chair and devoured a book. It was perfectly timed to speak to me as I needed to have my soul replenished in order to continue encouraging others. Combining season tends to elicit many calls from unsettled farmers who have contemplated their lives over many long hours of thrashing swathes.

William P. Young’s book The Shack was written to encourage his family and has become a huge word of mouth hit. The subtitle reads “where tragedy confronts eternity.”

I won’t give away the plot, but I will tell you that many folks suffering under the stress and tension of un-forgiveness, feeling unloved, and weary in their faith, should read this fictional book. I sometimes wonder why families are so hard on each other. As a farm family coach, I look for tools to help them realize that they have choices to make, and options to explore.

The Shack was a great inspiration to me because it reminded me again about the amazing power of forgiveness to set our lives free. It also reflected the love of Jesus and God in new ways that help me embrace others around me with the gentle, unconditional love modeled by Christ.

You may be struggling with family issues that seem insurmountable. It may be that your children don’t have the same beliefs as you do, and you are sad. Your own self may seem bruised and in need of healing.

I don’t normally spend precious reading time on fiction, but I am glad my daughter brought this book into our home. I believe that books can change your life!

Are you paying attention to what other folks who love you are asking you to read?
Do you honour your own well-being enough to feed your hungry intellect?
Can you explore new ways of looking at your world in order to find some solutions to your weariness?

Farmers typically find it hard to ask for help or share what they deeply know needs to be done. One fellow who survived a heart attack recently is seeking ways to have more open conversations with his family. He started plans for finding solutions before the attack, and he is thankful he has a second chance to work out his affairs. I am thankful for his resilience and attention to putting “first things first.” He is looking for new ways to bring his family into harmony with a vision for their future. He is reading my book, Planting the Seed of Hope, for ideas on connecting to his family. Books can give you answers in the privacy of your own home or truck.

If you have experienced great loss like The Shack’s main character Mack, you will have a key strength to walk along others who are also facing the challenges of letting go, grieving, and dealing with loss. I used a few tissues while I was reading. I am not embarrassed to shed a few tears that actually make me feel better when I re-visit past losses evoked by a powerful story.

I celebrate another birthday next week, and I am deeply thankful for good health, rich relationships, and a loving God who takes a special interest in me… and you. Use the time you have been given to reflect upon ways you can embrace your family with the love of God. Seek to be reconciled so that you will be rich towards God and rich in relationship.

Regardless of the harvest that you collected, bountiful or lean, the things of this world won’t matter after you are gone. As Christians we have been given a great gift of unconditional love, and that is The Shack’s key lesson – that our world needs to know and embrace.

If you want to find out more about this amazing book go to www.theshackbook.com.

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Elaine Froese empowers farm families to understand that they have choices and intentional plans to take action on. “Your farm . Your family. Your choice.” As a certified farm family business coach she travels the prairies to share tools to kick start succession plans.

Lessons from the combine

September, 2008

You can’t push a combine too hard or else it plugs. People are the same. You can’t push too much change on them or they will resist everything you say.

Harvest is a favourite time of year. As a combine driver, I join the excitement of bringing in the crop as efficiently as possible. I enjoy long hours of solitude on the field, with lots of time to ponder what’s happening in life. I am sometimes interrupted by loud “thunks” when the header plugs, or the frustration of catching a clump of mud, but usually things get back into flow.

Plugging the combine is a great metaphor for resistance. You can’t push too much too fast through the powerful machine. People are like that. Farm people are going through tremendous changes again this year with new challenges, and we get frustrated when our family doesn’t want what we want.

“Why don’t you want what I want?” is the title of Rick Maurer’s practical book on working through three levels of resistance. Level 1: “I don’t get it.” Level 2: “I don’t like it.” And Level 3: “I don’t trust you.” Maurer believes we can muster support for our ideas without hard sell, manipulation or power plays. He encourages readers to stay engaged with the person — seek understanding, favourable reactions, and develop trust.

I’ve experienced resistance to change in farm families when I’ve tried to present too many ideas for change too quickly. Things plug up fast when people aren’t given time to see the same picture we see. Maurer writes, “When people are afraid they will lose something important, when their fear response kicks in…their emotional brain takes over and limits their ability to stay engaged with us.”

Smooth combine operators make sure they feed the machine with a good consistent speed, checking the monitors. We need to check our understanding with our families, planting seeds of change gradually, and paying attention to emotional monitors.

Beeping in the cab alerts us to problems with the combine. With people, the signals are not so obvious. How do we know that we are listening to the other person’s viewpoints and that they understand ours? Are they reacting negatively or positively? Is there sufficient trust between us for them to support us?

Six tips to move through resistance

Maurer suggests six principles of engagement to help move through resistance:

Know your intention. Focus on issues instead of positions. The key intention of combining is to put all the grain in the tank, and not leave a trail of grain on the ground. The issue is trusting the guy who sets the sieves, and checking the tank and the trail behind you. If you are intending to make changes in your farm family, have you developed the trust you need for support?

Consider the context. At harvest, getting the crop off is the focus, other things are lower priority. Maybe you’ve been trying to make changes with people who are just too tired to think or change! Harvest is perhaps not the best time for these conversations.
Avoid knee jerk reactions. Slamming the hydrostatic lever can put your face in the windshield of your combine. You need to know your triggers or “hot buttons” in conversations and avoid them. Your goal is to seek understanding and build commitment.

Pay attention. When a cutting knife breaks, you get a trail of heads standing — evidence that you need to stop and change the broken part. Do you listen to others? Do you care about what the other person has to say? Make time for feedback. Listen. Be willing to be influenced by what you hear.

Explore deeply. Messing around with the concaves is exploring deeply into the guts of the combine. You hope you don’t have to do this in the field, but it happens. People are afraid of the unknown, which is why farmers resist talking about a different way of working or living off the farm. Families need to find a safe way to talk and explore possibilities for common ground. Maurer says you know when you have explored enough when the person shifts from “you to us,” and it feels like a weight has just lifted. “Have I answered all of your questions?” “Is there anything I can provide for you?”

Find ways to connect. When my trucker comments that I am cutting too high, I make adjustments and don’t steam with the criticism. The real concern is to do a great job, and not leave too much straw for the cultivation guy to handle. Maurer’s process for people to connect is to identify the real fear or concern. State what is important to you. Then turn that statement of concern into a statement of what you both want.

A farm spouse may say, “I am afraid that we are not making decisions about our life off the farm yard, and that is impacting our children’s decisions. It is important to me that we have a plan for our new home, and the way we will continue to work. We both want to stay involved, and find a way to live in harmony with our working children.”

As a Farm Family Coach, I am deeply committed to helping farm families work through the hard issues and choices that face them. Check out Maurer’s website at www.beyondresistance.com. Have a great harvest!

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Elaine Froese helps families make positive changes for their life on the farm.  Elaine and her family farm in Southwestern Manitoba, and pray for rain.

Tips to a fun vacation at home

With the high price of gas, vacations are getting expensive. Be creative and finds ways to have a fun holiday at home and in your own community.

I love to read the back page of the Globe and Mail, the section with “A life well lived” and the “social issues.” Reading how someone else lived is a bit of a reality check on how well my life is being lived. It forces me to think about what I would want my family to publish after I leave this earth.

I am also reading John Ortberg’s latest book When the Game Is Over It All Goes Back in the Box. Ortberg’s quirky sense of humour makes it a fun read. The main message is that we don’t take anything with us when we die, so live a life growing rich towards God and you will be fulfilled.

The Globe’s latest trend spotted in the social issues section is the “staycation.” This is where farm families stay home for vacations and don’t travel because the price of gas is getting too crazy. I think you could name a lot of farm families who have been part of this social trend for at least a decade. Some families have so much fun farming they never have to leave the farm! Are you kidding? Am I?

One of the key characteristics of strong families is that they celebrate and have fun together. A former dairy farmer told me recently that his new role on his farm without cows still had to have a fun factor.

What are you planning to do in July with your family for fun?

Build a campfire. We will in our backyard as soon as the fire ban is lifted. Those $1,000 fines are a bit high. But we did take off two nights after seeding to the local provincial park, had a great fire in the fire pit, healthy hikes, and a quiet time without cell phone service. It was fun just to do as little as possible, chat and enjoy the change of scenery.

At May’s end, we shared a campfire with friends who had to re-seed 1,000 acres of canola, so I cooked, and the couple we invited just had to show up. When was the last time you invited someone over for supper or just coffee and dessert? Visiting is fun. Don’t try to imitate Martha Stewart, just be you and offer what you have.

Play games. My son takes great delight in beating me at Scrabble. I bet there is a horseshoe pit that could be resurrected on your ranch, or bocce ball lawn that is ready to roll. The fun factor doesn’t need to cost a lot of money for gas, meals away, and movie tickets. It can be right under your nose, buried in some drawer or nook in the garage that holds game treasures that you’ve forgotten about. You spend hours every week cutting acres of lawn, why not use the lawn for fun?

Hike under the stars. Some of our best marriage times are the moonlit walks down our boring gravel lane. Except it’s not all that boring when we discover porcupines, songbirds and just the joy of sharing the state of our union. Some people are not comfortable with the quiet of the country. When was the last time you had silence and solitude in your day to renew your spirit? Leave the cell phone at the house. Let your spouse hold your hand as you walk. Learn to appreciate what you already have.

Go with GPS. This Sunday our church picnic will feature its first ever geo-caching event. It’s like a techie version of orienteering where you use the GPS coordinates to find treasures in a container, and exchange something in the cache for what you have, after you have signed the logbook. My hubby suggested we bring the four-wheel drive, but it won’t fit well in the bush with its GPS. Anyway, if you are looking for a fun way to connect to the techie generation, invest in some GPS that adds fun to the family side of the farm, not just the field!

Elaine, I work with my family all week, do I really have to play with them?

Some of my best memories as a kid on the farm involve playing with my siblings and going sledding with my Dad. Maybe it is time for a family council where you all sit down and talk about what fun on the farm looks like to you. Four wheelers burn gas, but they can be fun machines, too. Kayaks and canoes are popular, if you are fortunate to have a lake or flowing river nearby. Mountain bikes get you in shape, and don’t burn gas!

The families I coach remind me that fun needs to be an intentional part of the family business equation.

Why are we all working 80 hour plus weeks and plunking our weary souls into bed without a sense of gratitude or fun? I lose all track of time when I write to you via these Grainews articles. Writing for me is pure fun and a chance to see where my ideas will take me. Start writing your stories down, and then share them as a storyteller to your family, just for fun!

Yesterday a woman in town was bemoaning the fact that her art and creative endeavors would have to wait until the “busyness” of children was done. I told her that I paint in airplanes and lonely hotel rooms to capture the scenery of where my work takes me. Feeding your creative soul is really important. For some farm women that means hours in the flower bed because that beauty they nurture, nourishes their soul and makes their “staycation on the farm” a much brighter place.

When they write about you in the paper, will they say you “sure knew how to have fun”?

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Elaine Froese helps families make positive changes for their life on the farm. Elaine and her family farm in Southwestern Manitoba, and pray for rain.