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10 tools for talking about tough issues My childhood experiences chasing steers have come back to encourage me to use the “bull” metaphor for helping families discuss the “undiscussabull” … the tough issues.
So here are my top 10 tools for getting communication flowing:
- Take charge, grab the bull by the horns. This is about taking responsibility for changing yourself. Only you change you. Life is full of stresses and challenges and change, but we decide if we grow through the process. Just like the cowboys who have to time their tugs on the horns, you have to deal with conflict in a timely fashion, and not let it fester. You have greater options for resolving fights or misunderstandings if you deal with it soon!
- Come from curiosity. As kids we enjoyed building our forts in the bush pasture, but we kept a keen eye on how close the cows were to us. Curiosity in communicating well is about not being judgmental or finishing other’s sentences. It means saying “I’m curious how you see it” or “Tell me more about what you expect.” Seek out common ground, things you both want to see happen, and use the word “I” instead of “you”. I feel … I need … I want … completing the blanks. If you point fingers and say “you always” or “you never”, the defensiveness will kill the conversation.
- Ask deeply. You can be soft on the person, but hard on the problem. Probe with open-ended questions, those that can’t be answered with a simple yes or no. Balance the speaking and listening time. Frame your questions with descriptions of your own feelings and intentions.
- Play with possibility. I use a Beanie Baby Ox as a talking stick for family meetings. Whoever is holding the ox gets to talk without interruption. Listeners squeeze Koosh balls or other soft toys, which helps manage the stress of fierce conversations. Possibility means employing the upward spiral of positive thinking and comments that help brainstorm solutions and map out dreams.
- Really listen. “When I listen, people talk.” You can build understanding by checking out assumptions. Try not to interrupt. Use the ebb and flow of your talks to focus on the key message. Paraphrase what you heard, and check it out with the speaker to see if you’re on track. We have 2 ears for a reason. If you’ve been tuning out your family, you know the consequences. You remain stuck. If you hear the snorting of the bull behind you, you know you have to act!
- Ponder and percolate, don’t prod. Bulls aren’t keen on being prodded, and neither are people. We need time to digest, sift, and give ourselves space and time to think. If you have tough issues to process, have a conversation, and then give yourself some time to sleep on the ideas presented. Letting new options perk for a few days is a good idea. While you’re pondering, consider the other person’s perspective. Ask gently, “Is there anything else?”
- Cultivate trust. Bulls aren’t likely to charge those who have built up their trust in the feed pen. When you “walk your talk” and treat family with respect, you can build confidence in the relationship. If the emotional climate is unsettled, you may have to intentionally work on building up positive emotions before you can establish new levels of trust. Rick Maurer says that people “don’t want what you want” when they don’t understand your idea, they have a negative emotional reaction, and they feel you don’t trust them.
- Respect boundaries. As kids we were keen to know how to reach the fence before the stampede of steers did. I have scars from barbed wire, when we cut things a little fine.
Are you conversing with your son as his dad, or his boss? What expectations of roles is clear to you, but not clear to your listener? Are there some tough issues that you just agree to disagree on? Boundaries involve setting out guidelines for respectful communication, and honoring confidentiality when asked to do so.
- We all end up in a box … cardboard or coffin.
Boxed beef may be the fate of the bull. We know that someday we will die. Coming to terms with your life and how you want it to be involves dealing with your loved ones. You need to face the aging process, you won’t live on this earth forever. Reconsider your future, and let your family know your intentions. Talking about your will and funeral plans is tough, but necessary!
- Extend the olive branch. We can all use our words and actions to be peace makers.
You can create the legacy of open communication and healthy relationships by practising forgiveness and telling your family how you love and appreciate them. As soon as bull riders remove the strap on the bull’s haunches, things settle down. What ways can you envision making peace and harmony happen in your farm family? Is it up to you to take the first step and model a forgiving spirit and attitude? Ultimately, you’ll have to pass on your authority, so practise letting go with seeking forgiveness.
Elaine Froese encourages farm families with her speaking and writing business, based on her farm near Boissevain, Man.
Elaine Froese is a Certified Farm Family Coach™ who farms near Boissevain MB. She helps family get unstuck and talk about tough issues for a better future. She is a member of the Canadian Association of Farm Advisors www.cafanet.com. Call toll-free 1-866-848-8311 or email elaine@elainefroese.com
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