Meet Elaine

Meeting Planners

Coaching

Articles

Speaker

Rave Reviews

Products

Webinars

Links

Coming Events

Contact Elaine

Home

What do we owe our kids?

One of the toughest things to talk about openly in the farm business is “how do we treat our children with our assets?” My friend and colleague, Donna Hastings, has a list of ideas to guide your discussions as a couple. Hastings heads up the Canadian Association of Farm Advisors (www.cafanet.com), a group of professionals who are committed to high-quality advisory service to farm families.

I’ve added some of my farm family coaching experiences to Hastings’ tips:

1. In theory, you don’t owe your children anything. You gave them life, education, love, your values and your vision. It’s amazing what young adults will tell their parents about this when they’re asked directly. I have heard the children say, “Dad and Mom, please enjoy yourself for once, enjoy what you’ve worked for all your life. I don’t expect any money from you now!”
2. Put your thoughts on paper to be able to reflect on these ideas and scrap the ones that don’t seem to work. Move slowly on these decisions. Think of it as a work in progress … knowing each draft gets you closer to the finished product. Writing things down doesn’t cast them in stone, but it gives you a perspective to revisit and ponder. I recommend using a binder that holds all the planning papers from the accountant, financial planner, broker, lawyer to-do lists, articles you’ve cut out and so on. This way you have a portable collection to keep your planning process organized, and can see gaps or questions that need answers on your lists.
3. Make sure that both spouses more or less agree with each other before the children are brought into the discussion. You want to avoid the “family triangle” of pressuring one parent against the values or choices of the other parent. Don’t set dollar values on assets for sale unless you intend to stick by them. Changing prices and changing expectations midstream creates a lack of trust.
4. You both want to do the right thing. Your children also have some ideas about what you or the farm owes them. Your ideas and your children’s ideas may not agree but remember, it is your estate and you built it. Ultimately you make the decisions about who gets what and when. Also, consider that you will likely live another 20 or 30 years and need a retirement income.
5. Consider the wishes of the children. Ask them to write a letter indicating what part of the farm, family heirlooms or non-farm estate they’re interested in or not interested in. Ultimately, it’s not what each person wants but what each person can live with that will solve this puzzle. (I encourage you to edit the letter at the end of this article to suit your needs, and start the thinking process about everyone’s wishes.)
6. Doing the right thing can be very tricky. Ask yourself, “Why do I want to give this to this child?” Don’t do it if it’s because you feel guilty or want to correct a wrong or fix something that happened in the past.
7. Once you think you’ve got it figured out, tell your children what you’re considering. The feedback you get will give you valuable direction in “tweaking” the final draft.
8. Don’t keep it a secret. Once you know what you’re giving the children, to charity and to your retirement … tell the kids while you’re still alive so you can explain why you did it the way you did. It could save a lot of heartache, unanswered questions and hard feelings after you’re gone. Keeping wills secret is not a good thing. In today’s culture, the families who communicate their intent openly will be leaving a greater legacy of understanding with their family.
9. If you’re giving away heirloom items, or any items, make sure the family history goes along with it. It will mean more to the new owner and help instill a sense of belonging.
10. Ask other farm family business owners what they think they owe their children. Listen to their rationale. Read. Consult outside advisors to ask the difficult questions to move the parents and the children along.

Use this outline to guide your children’s thoughts on paper: “Letter to my folks”

The Chinese have a saying that “talk does not cook rice.” Talking is a good place to start, but ultimately we have to act on our intentions. I also realize that you might be a 55-year-old “child” who doesn’t know what your mother’s will says, and you might have 30-year-old kids of your own who want to know what the next plan for your farm business is!

Call me at 1-866-848-8311 with your excuse for not moving forward with these tough issues. I’ve got lots of excuse busters! Go to www.cafanet.com for more information on seeking an advisor to help your family make decisions. Send me your good news stories about how estates are handled at elaine@elainefroese.com. We all know enough sad stories, it’s time to write a new script.

Donna Hastings’ tips courtesy Ron Wall of AdFarm. Used by permission.

Elaine Froese encourages farm families with her speaking and writing business, based on her farm near Boissevain, Man.

Elaine Froese is a Certified Farm Family Coach™ who farms near Boissevain MB. She helps family get unstuck and talk about tough issues for a better future. She is a member of the Canadian Association of Farm Advisors www.cafanet.com. Call toll-free 1-866-848-8311 or email elaine@elainefroese.com

Note: You are welcome to reprint or repost any articles on this website with the understanding that

1. Elaine Froese retains full copyright
2. Contact information appears at the end of the article.
3. You notify Elaine Froese and send a copy of the publication or notice of the link in which the article appears.