 |
|
 |
Why won’t Dad talk ?When my phone rings it is always a bit of an adventure. I never know what the request will be at the other end. Lately I’ve been getting too many “secret” calls where the farm woman is calling, after considering it for two years, to see if I can offer some encouragement. She doesn’t want her hubby to know about the call.
The problem…her husband, or father-in-law just won’t talk. How do you get someone to share their plans, hopes and dreams ? What is stopping them from opening up and sharing the design for the destiny of the entire farm business team ? If I could bottle up an elixir and market it , I’d be as rich as Oprah.
There are no easy answers, but I as a trained coach I have some hunches.
I’ll come from a position of curiosity with a learner, not judger mindset.
Consider this:
- Dad is scared. He doesn’t talk because he is afraid of conflict. His dad didn’t say much either. What if the next generation does a better job than he does ? What if he gives up power and control to the kids, and they fail in the next five years, destroying everything he has worked hard for in the past 4 decades ?
- Dad doesn’t have anything to look forward to besides working as a farmer. He has no hobbies, doesn’t like to chase golf balls, and really looses all track of time when he’s working outside. What does a good day look like to him after he gives up being the main manager ?
- Dad’s last great idea got shot down so fast that he swore he’d never offer an opinion again. People need a safe place and deep trust to share their innermost dreams and hopes. If the spirit of the family is critical, judgmental and feisty, Dad likely finds the shelter of his “cave” the TV, and the Lazyboy, the safest place to zone out and not worry about what other people are asking for.
- Dad is noticing that his back hurts more that it used to. He also has attended way too many funerals of friends and relatives, and knows his turn is coming , too. Fear of aging and dying may be first met with denial. “If you don’t think about it, or talk about it, then it won’t happen”. This philosophy doesn’t work for me, but I’m a talker, and I like to get feedback on my plans.
- Dad’s love tank is dead dry empty. He doesn’t feel loved and appreciated. No one tells him he is deeply loved, and he continues to do lots of things for everyone in the family, just as they always expect he would. He is resentful, and his anger flares up often. So he heads to the shop to fix something and avoids talking about his feelings. “Where is the rule that men don’t talk about their feelings ?” Is Dad’s silence related to the fact that the women in his life are always dumping all their feelings, and he feels safer with the boundary of silence ? /li>
- Dad wants to be around to see the grandkids work the land, so don’t even think about moving to town. His sense of self worth stems from being busy and always “doing”, he doesn’t relate to just “being there” as a way to relate to his family. Action is everything. As long as Dad is moving, he is worthwhile, so let’s not waste time talking about stuff, let’s just get the work done…there’s always lots to do !
- Dad is ill and he doesn’t know it. He might have a low-grade depression, some decreased hormonal levels or pre-diabetes, and he doesn’t know his body is weak, because he never gets a complete physical from the local doctor unless his Class 1 needs renewing. People can sense when their bodies are in trouble, yet somehow denial is a strong silencer, and people suffer when they have other options to seek treatment.
- Dad’s timing for sharing is different than yours. His style of communication is to really process things in his mind, think things through, sleep on it, and then make a decision. He doesn’t like being rushed or forced to make a decision. He doesn’t have enough information yet to make an intelligent thoughtful decision to pick the best option. Maybe he has no idea of the options available because he is reluctant to admit that he needs to ask for outside resources and help.
- Dad is not a reader, he can’t process words like you can. He feels stupid and fears that those who understand agreements and legal documents will take advantage of him. He needs time to build trust with outside advisors, and he would like a few good word of mouth references from trusted friends before he engages and puts his money on the table. What can you do to build more trust in the relationship with Dad ?
- Dad will not go to counseling. “Counseling is about recovery, coaching is about discovery.” As the farm family business coach, with the phone planted firmly in my listening ears, I don’t have the miracle answer. I am not a therapist. I help people look at new scenarios, and build actionable plans for their future. I facilitate courageous conversations after I have intentionally created a very safe confidential place to do so.
“Why won’t Dad talk ?” is a very complex question. I have given you some of my hunches. What do you think ?
Elaine Froese is a catalyst for courageous conversations and creative change. She is called to facilitate family meetings to help farm businesses see their options and live well.
Visit www.elainefroese.com or call 1-866-848-8311. Elaine cherishes encouragement from her readers. Her scenarios are compilations of many case studies and do not represent one particular family. Order her award winning book “Planting the Seed of Hope”, maybe it will help get Dad talking.
|
