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 Tackling the tough stuff Confronting conflict in a family setting can be painful but essential for a successful farm transition. Working through the tough issues in a family business can be challenging, especially if everyone is ignoring the really sensitive topics. According to Farm Family Coach™ Elaine Froese, it’s much like a bull sitting in the middle of the room that everyone ignores and wishes would go away. She’s even coined a phrase – “discuss the undiscussabull.” “We don’t like to show our feelings or get stirred up with anxiety and anger but our needs and wants beg to be put on the table and hashed out. It is time to stop pretending that the bull will go away on its own. Conflict is part of life.” Froese maintains that it’s the very traits that make farmers resilient – toughness, independence, pride – that make them vulnerable in a situation where they have to discuss things they’ve never had to face. “They are so emotionally tied to keeping it all in that they don’t know how to ask for help.” That’s where Froese’s work as a farm family coach comes into the picture. Her role is to help move that metaphorical bull out of the room either by the nose ring or with an electric cattle prod. “The first step is to create an environment of safety, respect and trust. Issues are going to be discussed that will be painful for people to hear, but it is necessary. If you choose to go through these fierce or passionate conversations now, you will be building a foundation of family harmony for when you are changing over management or you’re making decisions that are going to affect both generations,” she says. As the saying goes, there’s no time like the present. Froese strongly recommends not delaying. “When is a good time to tell someone that I’m not happy with this relationship and we need to work towards something different? The best time to talk and listen is when you are willing to work hard to make the changes work,” she advises. “As a matter of fact, the decision to not speak to each other is a decision by default, but it only delays the process and stalls the forward movement of your family.” Another issue that people tend to ignore is what is going to happen after retirement. Froese has found that farmers who so closely identify with their chosen profession often define themselves that way, as farmers. So when retirement comes, questions of identity often come up. “Farmers shouldn’t base their self worth on whether they can put purple gas in their trucks. No matter what you do, no one can take your core values and what you are passionate about away from you. That is who you are.” What it all boils down to is letting go of power and control and that can be difficult. Froese points out that it is often an issue of trusting the new person to make good decisions. “But have you given that person the opportunity to make decisions? Does your definition of success and failure allow for someone to make mistakes? Again, these are tough questions that demand honest answers.” So where does a family start? Froese says it all starts with showing love, respect and appreciation to one another because without that, families can’t move forward. “If you have that foundation, you can then talk about changing the way decisions are made, how work styles might be different and the differences in management processes. Things aren’t going to be done the way they were before, but that’s okay.” Think of it as an adventure, a process that everyone needs to go through if they are going to find common ground, realize each person’s dreams and make it through to the other side. The result is a plan for transition that makes good sense for everyone involved. “Grab the bull by the horns, reflect on what you need to talk about and keep listening to the needs, wants, hopes and dreams of your farm family. Choose to move the bull out of your living room,” advises Froese. Elaine Froese is a Certified Farm Family Coach™ who farms near Boissevain MB. She helps family get unstuck and talk about tough issues for a better future. She is a member of the Canadian Association of Farm Advisors www.cafanet.com. Call toll-free 1-866-848-8311 or email elaine@elainefroese.com Note: You are welcome to reprint or repost any articles on this website with the understanding that
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