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 New daughter — or the woman he married?
His daughter-in-law has not set foot on his farm for over 2 years. “Marriage brings a new participant into the family, and possibly a new employee into the farm family business. The impact of these people is difficult to predict, so the family needs to draw boundaries regarding participation of spouses before their kids start getting married and stick to them afterward. The arrival of a new family member (daughter-in-law) can innocently create tensions in the family.” So writes Quentin J. Fleming in KEEP THE FAMILY BAGGAGE OUT OF THE FAMILY BUSINESS. Communication is the game plan. Unspoken expectations are the shortcut to discontent. Discuss your feelings, needs and wants regarding your relationship to your daughter-inlaw. I was very clear from the beginning that my husband’s mother was also going to be called Mom; that’s the type of relationship I desired. Some choose to define the relationship differently, but the bottom line is that a new spouse is a potential new partner in the business. Family business consultant Katy Danco says “we must bring that lovely young woman into the family and explain with love what we are doing and why we are doing it. She must really feel that she’s welcome and that her concerns are always going to be important to us.” I was not the silent type. I’m an active partner in our farm business, and learned a lot about persistent hard work from my husband and his parents. Some women choose to be silent and not set foot in the business circle of the farm. Others are the feared “agitators” — the ones who see things differently from the farm family … with great potential for conflict. You might want to ask some questions out of curiosity, not judgment, to clarify the hopes and wishes of your new daughter-in-law. Things like: “We love you and appreciate you; help us understand ways to make you feel connected. We know every family has different ways of doing things — can we talk about the conflict bumps you see in our farm family? You don’t have to have a garden. How you spend your money is your business, not ours. Please let us know if we’re giving you enough privacy. Dad is not being rude, he just needs someplace to go now that he’s not living on this yard anymore.” Each family has different values and ways of doing things. I married into a family that gradually became more comfortable with hugging, especially the grandchildren. My direct style of confronting the issues of the day caused a few bumps in the beginning, but a spirit of goodwill and learning to accept each other’s different styles of managing conflict kept us on the path of opencommunication. Forgiveness also helped. A new daughter-in-law will divert some of your son’s attention away from the crops and cows. Building a marriage is a lifelong process. If your son used to work 18-hour days and now cuts out to be with his wife … why are you surprised? If you resent the new allocation of working time, talk about your workstyle expectations. “Will the new spouse (read daughter-in-law) resent the daily contact you have with your farm family?” Fleming asks. “She may be missing frequent contact with her family, and day in, day out, she gets tired of hearing about your family.” This may lead to pressure to spend less time with the farm family — thus the daughter-in-law who doesn’t set foot on the farm, or spends as little time as possible at farm family gatherings. Fights among in-laws need to be dealt with — don’t ignore the problem. One sore spot is being left out of major decisions. I remember the horror of a young wife who learned that 2 new combines had been purchased — a significant amount of debt was incurred, and she was the last to know. First impressions tend to be lasting ones. When you’re surveying your potential daughter-in law, is she going to be your “new daughter” or “the woman he married”? Include spouses in the family discussions and planning. Communication is the bottom line. Even if the daughter-inlaw is not involved day to day in the farm, she’s connected to the farm team — her husband, who balances farm work and family demands. “Discuss the business with her regularly, particularly her husband’s place in it,” says Danco. I’m blessed with a mother-in-law who sends me birthday cards that read “Happy birthday, daughter”. This acceptance is a precious gift, since I also know of the story of an elderly woman who refused to sign estate transfer agreements with a daughter-in-law who never acknowledged the elder woman’s birthday! It’s never too late to work toward healthier, more open communication. Deep listening and actions of reconciliation will move your relationship forward. Remember how much you want to enjoy grandchildren or grandparents — and the legacy of a loving happy family. Elaine Froese is a Farm Family Coach from Boissevain, Man. Contact her toll-free at 1-866-534 6846 or by e-mail at elaine@elainefroese.com Note: You are welcome to reprint or repost any articles on this website with the understanding that
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One fine spring day I was greeted at the back step by a weatherworn farmer who said, “Are you the woman who prints those lies in GRAINEWS?” Not to be outdone, I flippantly replied, “How are things going with your daughter-in-law?” As the blood drained from his face I apologized for being so personal with a perfect stranger.