Get bitter or get better

“Man, I can’t believe my dad. Every time I make a mistake, he just can’t accept my apology, and he keeps really good track ... for years!”

Many farm families are saddled with an invisible load on their backs. Every day they carry the baggage of hurt, caused by a pattern of family members who just can’t seem to let go of past offenses. Forgiveness is one of the critical issues that farm families need to take a hard look at, so why do they avoid it?

Accepting the fact that you’re hurt is one thing, but the tough part about forgiveness is that it is the offended (you) who has to seek the forgiveness of the offender (another family member). “Forgiveness is difficult because the person who’s hurt does the forgiving and not the person being forgiven.” (Tim Lahaye and Bob Philips, ANGER IS A CHOICE, Zondervan 2002)

I was angry with my friend;
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe;
I told it not, my wrath did grow.
William Blake,
A POISON TREE.

We don’t forgive and forget. We remember, but we have a choice of what we do with the memories. Lahaye says, “I can let my memories lie and move on in my life, or I can let my memories overpower me. Forgiveness is letting go. It’s the relaxation of your death grip on the pain you feel.” Archibald Hart says, “Forgiveness is surrendering my right to hurt you back if you hurt me.”

You choose to forgive. It is an act of your will. Lack of forgiveness is the second biggest obstacle to succession planning, according to Tom Hubler of Hubler Family Business Consultants (www.hublerfamilybusiness.com).

So, would you like to revive your marriage? Would you like to feel love for your family?

Forgiveness involves a commitment to 3 things, according to Jay Adams:

I will not use it (the offense) against my mate or family in the future.
I will not talk to others about my mate or gossip about my family.
I will not dwell on it myself. To dwell over and over again on past hurts is like “ripping your scabs to see if your cut is healing”. (Lahaye) David Ausburger suggests that “forgiveness is not holy amnesia that erases the past ... instead it is the experience of healing that draws the poison out. You may recall the hurt, but you will not relive the hurt.”

“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Colossians 3:13

To be able to forgive, we have to look the issue of hurt directly in the face. The reasons for a lack of reconciliation may be:

Death of the offender. Dad’s gone, but the hurt lingers.
Denial, refusal and rejection by the offender. “I didn’t do anything wrong to hurt you!”
Lack of skills, energy or motivation, or fear on your part. “Are you kidding, I can’t ask for an apology or forgiveness ... that’s too impossible!”
No forgiveness on your part. “I will never let go of what that person did to me.”
The offender has moved and can’t be located.

How do you get motivated to seek forgiveness and move your farm family forward?

Decide to make the first move. Seeking healing by asking for forgiveness is an act of the will, a choice.

But what if I get emotional? Your feelings are a normal part of process. Don’t wait until you feel like it. Do you only go to feed the cows when you feel like it? Deal with the manure in your life that is keeping you down.

“To understand is to forgive — even oneself.” (Alexander Chase)

Insights from Lahaye to consider:

I have had trouble forgetting _____.
I’ve had a hard time forgiving these people for _____.
This situation really frosts me! It makes it hard to forgive ______.
Resentment would accomplish_____.
Revenge would accomplish_____.
Regarding the offenses above, I am not willing/am now willing to choose to forgive them.
I will start acting lovingly toward those who hurt me by and then will work toward .

A woman at a farm crisis meeting once said, “Mom always told me that I had a choice in how to respond to what happened to me in my life. I could get bitter, or get better!” Without forgiveness life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation, said Roberto Assagioli.

Christ taught us how to forgive.

Tom Hubler, a family business specialist, uses a 2- day process to help families understand the issues that need to be dealt with. His Family Forgiveness Ritual focuses on forgiveness, absolution and a celebration of the family and its values.

Perhaps your family is ready to choose to talk about that “undiscussabull” — the hurt that needs to be acknowledged and forgiven, and let go.

Call your clergy for assistance, or ask a facilitator to coach your family. Healing is the goal that will move your family forward.

Forgiveness is one of those “soft issues” farm families get frustrated with when they are “too frosted to forgive”.

Elaine Froese is a Farm Family Coach from Boissevain, Man. Contact her toll-free at 1-866- 534 6846 or by e-mail at elaine@elainefroese.com

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