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Discussing the undiscussable

“It was like there was a huge bull sitting in the middle of the living room, and no one in the family was willing to talk about it.” In the peaks and valleys of life there are times when we know deep in our hearts that issues need to be discussed, yet the words get caught in our throats. Stuck. We don’t like to show our feelings, or get stirred up with anxiety and anger, but our needs and wants beg to be put on the table and hashed out. It’s time to stop pretending that the “bull in the middle of the room” will go away on its own. It’s time to “discuss the undiscussabull” ... a new phrase I’ve coined to help farm families in the succession process face the tough issues directly.

What needs to be addressed?

Every farm family is unique, yet there are common themes of things pressing down on the transition decisions that need to be made. Here’s a lengthy list:

• Letting go. These are loss issues. Can Dad build a new identity or role for himself beyond the farm? Is he changing his management role, or making a complete exit from the farm scene? Can Mom adapt to a new living space and plant more trees in a new yard? Will she still have a raspberry patch?
• Retirement needs. Many farmers forgot to plan for off-farm investments, so their retirement income needs to come from the farm business. Is there money for a new house or travel? Both?
• Dreams differ. Does each couple have shared goals and a vision of what the future should look like? The play The Tomorrow Box showed clearly that a husband who dreams of a southern lifestyle may be linked to a wife who always wanted to stay close to the farming grandchildren.
• Fairness. What is your sense of tough justice for family who have helped for 20 years on the farm and those who found careers in the city? Is fairness based on who is the neediest? The neediest one gets more, so fairness is achieved when the neediest is raised to the level of the other kids. Is fairness based on equality, where each child gets an equal amount? Or is fairness based on equity, determined by contributions? The person who contributed the most, gets the most.
• Keeping the farm intact. Your century farm holds a lot of history. Is there guilt associated with even thinking about selling your grandparents’ legacy? How viable is the farm to provide enough cashflow to support 2 families or more?
• Work styles. Who needs to take a holiday? Do we mutually agree upon our goals for this farm? How do workaholics and leisure lovers work together? When Dad retires, will you let him drive the combine?
• Family goodwill, also known as relational capital. This is the really big, big issue. “I just want my family to get along. I want peace.” Do you know how to give each family the space needed? Are the opinions of the “in-laws” welcome at family councils? Do you practise forgiveness?
• Business arrangements. Who has power and control to make decisions? Is there a plan for profit sharing? What contingencies are there for the death of the founder or successor? Is there more than one successor? Do we need to think about expansion?
• Direct communication. Are you intently listening? Can I trust you to respect and understand my feelings and wants? Can we find a healthy way to deal with conflict at family meetings?
• Entitlement. You inherited a lot from your parents. Do your children feel they are “entitled” to an inheritance? Separate bequests, gifts and family issues from the business issues of ownership, wages and profits.
• Premarital agreements. “Divorce” is a huge undiscussabull. Does the family need to protect the farm business from marriage breakdown? How do we build trust when we demand prenuptial concessions?
• Resolving conflict. Are many of your family arguments historical? Do pride and stubbornness keep the bull in the middle of the room?
• “AAA Club”. Abuse, alcohol, anger. Our mental well-being rides on taking self-responsibility for making healthy choices, and necessary changes.

The things on this list that are hard to talk about are called “the soft issues of succession”.

As a farm family coach, I’ll be writing more about these topics, and would really appreciate your feedback. My conflict resolution studies have given me a great appreciation for facilitators willing to help committed families work carefully at discussing the undiscussabull in a safe, respectful forum. Grab the bull by the horns, reflect on what you need to talk about and keep listening to the needs, wants, hopes and dreams of your farm family. Conflict is part of life. Choose to move the bull out of the living room. May there be a peaceful presence in your pastures and parlor.

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